I seem to have somehow done my amazing "crusing good, tank horribly" rollercoaster shit in the past 48-ish hours. Yesterday I just didn't care about anything. Not in a bad way, but in a "I feel like I'm letting go of things and maybe taking some steps forward" way. And today I'm just frustrated. I found out yesterday, after paying my rent and my credit card bill, that I am functionally broke. Whatever I had saved from working the past six-ish years is gone, so I basically have no wiggle room.
And no time to work. But we'll come back to that.
Thankfully, my parents are paying for rent and food... However, they failed to account for the fact that food is HELLA EXPENSIVE here in Hawaii where they import literally almost everything.
I'm not shitting you, even pineapples.
Where there is the Dole Plantation.
ON THIS VERY ISLAND.
Anyway, before I left my mom had mentioned something about "well we'll see how it goes and maybe readjust after a little bit" but every time I bring it up she gets super judgmental, like I'm spending it on all on alcohol and fast food.
I can assure you, that is not the case. I haven't bought a single drink, the only eating out I've had is a couple days' lunch from the school center, and I learned yesterday after reevaluating my budget that I basically can't eat out at all! Or, you know, DO ANYTHING.
Need new shoes? Nope. Go see a movie? Nope.
For once, I don't need to buy books, because my mom keeps shipping me mine from home. Hopefully she doesn't send me too many more, I already have an entire shelf-full, and considering I'm functionally living out of two suitcases that's a bit much. The ironic part of this? I still have a Barnes and Noble gift card from Christmas.
Luckily I don't have to be spending money on a car, but at the same time, not having money on top of not having a car just exacerbates my problem of feeling trapped here. Not on the island, but by my situation.
I need a new bike seat. "Need" because the one that came with the bike is SO SHITTILY DESIGNED. It curves a ton, which is nice if you're dicking around the block like a five-year old, but god forbid you need to commute with a backpack on your back! I have the nose turned down a SHIT TON already, and the fact that the back of the seat is curved up even more pushes you forward into the dipped center-- why would you design that on a bike seat-- so now you are not sitting on your butt bones but more on your crotch area and just FUCK YOU, SEAT DESIGNERS.
But I didn't go to the bike store, you know why? Because it is five miles away, on the other side of Honolulu, and even though it's only five miles it is through the city which is just terrible on bike. It makes me feel like I'm driving through Chicago. (They really need better bike roads here.) And I don't have the money to spend on what I would like to spend it on, which is 1) a new bike seat, 2) a second water bottle cage and bottle, and 3) a Longboard Lager jersey which is DEFS not happening because they are $75. Oh and also 4) a waterproof stem mount bag so I can stick my phone in there and use it as an odometer. I'd kinda like to buy a pair of cleats and some clips for my pedals, but right now that is a far-off dream. And I didn't feel like it was worth riding a half hour through traffic on rides I don't know with terrible drivers to the nearly-industrial part of town so I can sit in a shop for an hour while they give me a check-up on my bike and I feel guilty for buying things I need or want.
Anyway. So not going anywhere just exacerbates my feeling trapped, but I don't have the money to go see anything and it's kinda hard to go anywhere around here without a car. And I don't exactly have any people to just hop on the bus with and go to Chinatown or anything, because last time we tried that... OH THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYONE CRAPPED OUT ON ME. (Okay, not technically the last time, last time only half the people crapped out on us. But statistically that is 75% failure rate.)
And on top of that! The whole time I was at home I was talking about working at the zoo (trying to get in contact with someone there, it is RIGHT DOWN THE HILL IT WOULD BE PERFECT) and such, and mom was saying "oh, you probably won't have time for a job, most grad students are expected to be working on classes like a full time job". Now here we are, I could dip into my savings but I'm trying not to because I need that to pay for school, I'm eating whatever's on sale and probably not getting enough fruits and veggies, and my mom asks me why I'm not working. AUGH. Maybe because I spend more time in the studio in the week than I likely ever spent on homework for a single engineering class for a year?! And I am exaggerating very little. In the past three weeks I spent two entire weekends in the studio.
You know what we've also found out more of this week? Using the plotter is a $5 print job per page. Using the laser cutter is $2+ $1 per minute. So on top of the fact that the school doesn't have any student software licenses, we have to buy all our own modeling materials, AND PAY FOR ALL THE PRINTERS AND SHOP TOOLS PER USE. I understand you don't want kids in there abusing the 3D printer or hogging the laser cutter. BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT AM I PAYING YOU $14000+ A SEMESTER FOR IF I AM ALSO BUYING ALL MY OWN MEDIA?!
Speaking of which? I have to go to the bookstore tomorrow, and the craft store over the weekend, for guess what-- you guessed it-- MORE SUPPLIES! Meanwhile my checking account reads zero.
I think the part that's killing me the most that is on top of everything else, I would just like to go on a bike ride to train for TOSRV one weekend day, or ride down to the beach and swim and sit there for a few hours. Hasn't happened yet. Don't know how I'm going to train for TOSRV this way, all I can do right now is force myself to work as hard as I can to get up the hills on the way home.
Which, today, on the longest and steepest hill, I accidentally pulled out in front of a full-length fire truck thinking it was The Bus which would turn on the route rather than go up the hill. NOPE! So that was a little terrifying having them barrelling down on me while I tried to ride as quickly as I could...
So. My goals currently. See if I can find a part-time job that I can actually travel to. This is difficult because I don't really trust riding my bike or the bus at night, and I have to be working in the studio so many hours a day. Find a cheaper grocery store? I would love to find an Aldi-equivalent. I can't seem to find any coupons for any of the things I buy, and even though I'm a "club member" and I'm supposed to be saving, I really don't see much benefit currently. And I am trying, beyond all belief, to not just go to Walmart. One, it's downtown anyway so travel would be a hassle, but two, it's Walmart. Lastly, scholarships. Gotta find some. Found out today that architecture ones are unlikely considering that, apparently, white girls are the largest percentage of architecture students. But come on, there has to be an engineering/design one out there somewhere! Female engineers are one of the lower statistical groups! FUUUCCKKK
On the plus side of things, I shot off an email to the guy in the themed design group I'm in who sends out all the newsletters and things, asking him if there was anyone (around the offices) who could help me look for internships. Right away he asked what I did, and then I didn't hear back from him for a week. I asked if he had any ideas of people to contact, thinking there might be someone who was a membership person who could point me in the right direction. Turns out he sent out emails to different people and is trying to find someone who might take an intern/co-op. And then TWO I accidentally realized today he's like one of the top group member-people, and I'm a little embarrassed. I'm also a little uneasy because it's more out of my control-- I don't ask people about internships so I don't get any of the no's along with any possible leads, so I have no idea where the situation stands. I didn't know he was going to be doing the asking for me, so I should have told him more than just "engineering and architecture", but I figured he was busy and I should keep it as short as possible and that I could set up more of a sales pitch later on down the line when I emailed companies-- so hopefully I don't end up with a strictly-ride-engineering firm co-op, although that would still be fascinating I am sure. (Just not the kind of design I'd like to go into, I think.) ON THE OTHER HAND, when you have a big gun sending out emails to companies asking for internships and co-ops?! Hopefully that plays to my advantage, that he can catch the eye of someone really good who will give me a chance.
However now I am super-nervous because I don't know how long to wait to expect to hear back from anyone and I definitely don't want to bombard him with questions as he is very, very busy.
Regardless, I will be mailing him a thank-you note, because holy shit. I did not expect him to send out notes. I just expected, like, a "here's some potential companies that are members, shoot them a line" type email.
Ffffuuuucccckkkkkk my life right now augh