Christmas break can't come soon enough.
Nov. 19th, 2006 08:19 amI need a break. Do not tell me this week is a break, as I have to buckle down and train and practice for camp NEXT WEEKEND. By Friday I have to be able to run for 20 minutes STRAIGHT and I can't do that right now, I get terribly out of breath. Fuckcakes. I also need to practice a little more on my solo.
And... I don't know, sometimes I want to give up. I enjoy being able to stay removed from situations to give advice, or just not being involved in the drama period. But there are more times than I can count that I wish things would just fall into place and I wouldn't feel lonely. Whether that would mean I just didn't care anymore, or I had someone to hang out with, I really don't give a damn. I just wish I could give even less of a damn. About me. Because this all feels selfish, and it's just terribly frustrating, because here I am in the middle of piles of homework and an ass-whipping audition weekend.
If I make this, I know the happiness will drown out my funk for awhile, which is good. I don't know, I just havent' felt really happy lately. Like there are times I'm depressed, and then times I'm only happy because I'm NOT depressed. Not any particular times I've been happy. Except possibly watching the James Bond movie, because with good movies I get removed from reality enough to be happy. Although I've always wondered if that's my problem. I am a nonconformist, pure and simple. I enjoy being weird. Not to be nonconforming for nonconforming's sake, just to be me. Which happens to be weird. But I think maybe I'm just so removed that I can't physically, possibly be happy with this. It's just not who I am. I HAVE to remove myself from all this to fit in comfortably.
I don't know, it's just an idea. I just need to be marching, with a corps. I just need the people I care about the most.
Last night I went to dinner with my parents and grandparents, and they spent a while discussing why they thought my roommate and other people get as homesick as they do. And, I don't get homesick, but I definitely miss my band peeps. I've hung out with them pretty much every weekend for the past month! And I still miss them, a lot. But I also feel like I'm missing out on my college friends... only if I don't go out with my high school friends, I never do anything on campus anyway, except for those RARE band parties. =( I don't know. I feel like it's my version of being homesick, but neither of my parents nor my grandparents thought so. But the point to which I miss hanging out with those guys is ridiculous. Possibly because plans always go wrong and I havent' been able to see them all at the same time since... MSBAs, and I barely got to talk to them. I did a lot of standing around while they got dressed. I don't know, I'm pathetic. Really, really, pathetic. And confused.
And I just want to make it into Phantom, so badly. And Southwind's kind of my second pick, but I really don't want to have to do this TWICE. I just want to get in.
And I just... don't know.
I honestly don't know anymore. I'll say what I want to say, but I can never be sure 100% that what I interpret is what it means. You know?
Because I don't.
And... I don't know, sometimes I want to give up. I enjoy being able to stay removed from situations to give advice, or just not being involved in the drama period. But there are more times than I can count that I wish things would just fall into place and I wouldn't feel lonely. Whether that would mean I just didn't care anymore, or I had someone to hang out with, I really don't give a damn. I just wish I could give even less of a damn. About me. Because this all feels selfish, and it's just terribly frustrating, because here I am in the middle of piles of homework and an ass-whipping audition weekend.
If I make this, I know the happiness will drown out my funk for awhile, which is good. I don't know, I just havent' felt really happy lately. Like there are times I'm depressed, and then times I'm only happy because I'm NOT depressed. Not any particular times I've been happy. Except possibly watching the James Bond movie, because with good movies I get removed from reality enough to be happy. Although I've always wondered if that's my problem. I am a nonconformist, pure and simple. I enjoy being weird. Not to be nonconforming for nonconforming's sake, just to be me. Which happens to be weird. But I think maybe I'm just so removed that I can't physically, possibly be happy with this. It's just not who I am. I HAVE to remove myself from all this to fit in comfortably.
I don't know, it's just an idea. I just need to be marching, with a corps. I just need the people I care about the most.
Last night I went to dinner with my parents and grandparents, and they spent a while discussing why they thought my roommate and other people get as homesick as they do. And, I don't get homesick, but I definitely miss my band peeps. I've hung out with them pretty much every weekend for the past month! And I still miss them, a lot. But I also feel like I'm missing out on my college friends... only if I don't go out with my high school friends, I never do anything on campus anyway, except for those RARE band parties. =( I don't know. I feel like it's my version of being homesick, but neither of my parents nor my grandparents thought so. But the point to which I miss hanging out with those guys is ridiculous. Possibly because plans always go wrong and I havent' been able to see them all at the same time since... MSBAs, and I barely got to talk to them. I did a lot of standing around while they got dressed. I don't know, I'm pathetic. Really, really, pathetic. And confused.
And I just want to make it into Phantom, so badly. And Southwind's kind of my second pick, but I really don't want to have to do this TWICE. I just want to get in.
And I just... don't know.
I honestly don't know anymore. I'll say what I want to say, but I can never be sure 100% that what I interpret is what it means. You know?
Because I don't.