mercat | Entries tagged with emotions

I can't believe Chuck is over

I have SO MANY FEELINGS about it

I'm bawling my eyes out

And I don't actually like being drunk but right now I'm in a weird state where I wish I was

I CAN'T ARTICULATE EVERYTHING

EVERYTHING FEELS SAD AND FOREIGN, BUT NOT DEPRESSING

GODDAMNIT

I had a dream I had to miss a week's worth of class work, and then woke up and remembered I have to figure out what's going to happen with final projects

I got an email saying my scenic design class isn't going to happen :(

And my sister got harassed by a guy on the street last night and got her phone stolen. Thankfully nothing else happened to her, but note to everyone, if someone you don't know asks to borrow your smartphone, just say you don't have one I guess? This is why I carry pepper spray with me everywhere now, especially since I don't have a car.

I just have this sense of... general patheticness and malaise. I feel like I've been hitting highs and lows kind of rapidly lately, but that could just be me being more perceptive since I have less social interaction.

I wish I knew how to deal with this.

My final senior capstone civil engineering design presentation was yesterday. 3 hours, 43 people, some couple-hundred (at least 250) powerpoint slides, and a seven minute video. It went, for the most part, pretty well.

However, the night before, I started freaking out. Which, to me, did not make rational sense as I had presented my slides at least six different times this semester. I knew the information. But the fact that I spent the seven hours of "sleep" in that half-awake state where you are waiting for your alarm to go off so you don't miss it, waking up every hour to freak out for 30 seconds before turning over and begging for it to subside, and giving up on trying to get any real sleep 20 minutes before my alarm was set to go off... To me, that is solid evidence that my public speaking anxiety is far beyond your average public speaking anxiety.

You take public speaking classes and they say, "oh, everybody gets nervous," and yeah, I believe it. But does everyone get uncontrollable shakes of their knees, their hands, their voice? Get dry mouth? Okay, yes, some people do. But what about shutting down into Emergency Mode when it is your turn to speak? Here is what happens (slash, happened yesterday morning). I start panicking. My stomach starts jumping, I start trying to control my breathing, even three years of drum corps can't help. I sweat and shake (and try not to bounce my knees in high heels so I'm not making noise backstage). When it is my immediate turn, I go into survival mode. My adrenaline decides it wasn't pumping high enough before and jumps off the high dive. No matter what I'm thinking about--slowing my speech, making sure I hit every bullet point of information-- my brain immediately shuts down the ability to analyze questions and focuses only on Not Presenting Any Information Wrong. If, in that instant, someone got hit by a car, I am the person you want. I jump into action and call for doctors and call 911 and try to do what I can. But public speaking? No way. And yesterday's experience was enough to let me know, as everyone in my group told me "you'll do fine!"--yes, rationally, I know that. But this is an irrational fear, and as someone once explained panic attacks to me in a similar light (or that was my experience with the one that I ever had--a zombie under your chair is NOT rational), this irrationality tells me that it is maybe not a normal level of anxiety for such a situation.

The interesting part is, I have to wonder if it's Nature or Nurture. I don't know anyone who seems to have such profusely strong reactions to public speaking as I do, but of course I could be wrong and they could just be very good at hiding it. But in fourth grade I got called out for messing up a reading in church, and in our eighth grade play the guy playing the lead antagonist decided to not memorize his lines. Which was fine and hilarious since he could ad lib pretty well, except for the part where I can't and there was a scene with just me and him and he STARED OFF INTO SPACE FOR AT LEAST A FULL MINUTE.

So, yes. There's that.

But also, I am done with engineering! (Except for passing this last tech elective and getting my paper degree.) HURRAH, on to better and brighter things.

I do have to say, my conceptual design for our convenience store was FUCKING FABULOUS and the site/civil team that decided to tell us the wrong site data so we had to rotate the building and kind of destroy the view can go fuck itself. The facade, that glass elevator, ALL MINE, BITCHES <3

Mom called me yesterday in the middle of the day to tell me that Spats was "not doing well" and she had taken him to the vet. Well not only was he not doing well, they thought he was in the advanced stages of renal failure, was suffering greatly and we should put him down as he would only last days to weeks, but most of it pain-filled. He apparently had lost 3 pounds (about a quarter of his body weight) since his last annual checkup, was dehydrated, lethargic, and had been puking all over the house for the better part of a week. The vet gave him subcutaneous fluids and took a blood sample, and mom took him home to see how he did and wait for the blood test to come back. The vet said if it wasn't renal failure it may be a tumor, but other than that she had no idea. Regardless, Spats was not doing well. (Not to mention, I started worrying about Jack, how he was handling having a sick buddy and how he would deal with being an only cat if we had to put spats down...)

So I was sniffling all through trying to finish up some of my work and sat antsily through my class, decided to skip my evening class, and went home to spend the evening with Spats in the event we would have to put him down Saturday. Anyway I pretty much teared up constantly all evening yesterday and I'm just completely exhausted today, but that's beside the point.

When I went home Spats was still rather lethargic and I let him out on the porch. He wasn't moving very quickly and was only barely nudging his face up on a box he usually would have jumped up on. So I put him up on it and he sat there for a bit, then moved over onto the bench where it was sunnier, and eventually as the sun kept moving he moved back to the box. Finally once the sun was completely gone from the porch he came and sat on my lap, and I couldn't help but notice how light he was and how surprisingly bony he felt. I don't know how long he's been sick or how rapid any of his weight loss or dehydration was, but this seems rather sudden. And we can't really tell how long he has been under-eating because there's a really good chance that Jack has been making up for that.

At any rate. I cuddled with him as much as he would allow but it was very sad. When he would go to clean himself or shake his head or anything, he would get about a half second into it and then stop. It is very odd to see a cat that hasn't cleaned themselves well, you can tell something is wrong. Finally when I was struggling to keep my eyes open but was sitting on the stairs petting him, he walked upstairs all the way to my room and hopped up on my bed. I should mention that it's not uncommon when I go home for him to sleep on my feet. So I followed him upstairs and went to bed and made sure to snuggle up with him, although he wanted to sleep on my feet and eventually made his way down there.

So. Yesterday was a rough day. Although by the end of it he seemed mildly perkier than he was when I first came home, which I think was a result of getting some fluids in him. He wasn't eating much at all though.

But! This morning I woke up to a call from mom that the vet had called and it wasn't renal failure. So. We don't know what it is or if it will be treatable, but I am hopeful and I think if we can clear out whatever the system problem is and get food and fluids back in him... Whew. I drove him to the vet this morning and when we were close he crawled out of his carrier to sit on my lap and look out the window. It was rather adorable (and unexpected--when I first moved the cats to the house they would not stop crying) and I told him if he gets himself well at the vet I will start taking him for drives, if he would like that. Like he can talk, right? Anyway.

He is at the vet and I am still rather worried, while I'm not breaking into tears like I was yesterday, I'm still finding it hard to focus. I hope he's not too lonely in there :C And I hope whatever it is, it's treatable. He's only 6, so... yeah. Anyway.

Yeah so I go from no posting to overload! Woo. I'm gonna pass out now.

(On the other side of things, have you ever seen the Idiot Box episode of Spongebob? It is the episode where Squidward gets a new tv and gives Spongebob and Patrick the box... I realized that the look they give him when he opens the box on them is the same look you get from Jack most of the time when you find him crunched up into a box. I got new tap shoes and that is of course immediately what he did.)

On the just-plain-odd side of things, I found out that when things get depressing I apparently switch straight to Robert Frost quoting.

I don't know when to say to expect a "real" post from me. I have a lot to post and... not lots of time. This is a crazy semester =/

[EDIT] Update as of (later) this morning: Mom called, the vet's got Spats on lots of fluids, and he's up and purring and seemingly back to normal. So she thinks it's nothing fatal. C=

NORMAL POST

LEGIT EXCUSE: I TOOK THE GRE TODAY THEN PARTYFAILED. MOM WAS ALL "HEY WANT TO GO TO SKYLINE AFTERWARDS?" AND I SAID PROBABLY AND I CAME HOME TO COLD PIZZA AND A REQUEST TO CLEAN THE BATHROOMS. SO I DID THAT AND LEFT. AND THEN NOBODY ACTUALLY WANTED TO "GO OUT" LIKE WE PLANNED, EVEN TO DRUNK KARAOKE, SO I WAS KINDA IN A BAD MOOD AND THIS DAY WAS KIND OF A WASTE OF MY LIFE TO BE HONEST

SO I'M UP LATE CATCHING UP ON IMPORTANT THINGS (LIKE LIVEJOURNALLING) AND NOT GIVING A SHIT BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SLEEP IN BUT WATCH THE DAMN PARADE TOMORROW ANYWAY

AND THEN AS SOON AS GRANDMA GETS DEPRESSED AND ASKS ME WHY I'M NOT DATING ETC ETC AND MOM STARTS TALKING AT ME ABOUT GRAD STUFF AGAIN I'M JUST GONNA GTFO AND GO SEE DUE DATE AND THEN GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO GO FOR THREE WEEKS AND NOBODY WANTS TO FUCKING GO AND YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. I'LL GO BY MYSELF. THIS IS WHY I HATE PEOPLE SOMETIMES. BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE IN TOWN WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME.

Some fucking friends sometimes, I swear to god. There is more to life than alcohol.

BUT I DIGRESS.

/capsrage!off

(Note, that is not capsrage "yelling" but rather "comically over-loud voice".)

Now onto your regularly scheduled programming.

OH, HOW APPROPRIATE, yesterday's prompt was the last movie I saw in theatres. INCEPTION. WHEN I GOT BACK THIS SUMMER, AND I FUCKING HAD TO DRAG MY SISTER TO GO SEE IT WITH ME. And before that?! Iron Man 2! My moviegoing track this year is a shame! WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO GO OUT TO MOVIES THIS YEAR?! Fucking idek.

Last book I read... Well, last book I finished was probably Lost City of Z which I read for fun over the summer and was amazing despite its ending. I mean, the ending is still amazing from a historical point of view but (without giving much away) the whole thing is this buildup and then--AUGH. You have to read it, if you are in the slightest a history or Indiana Jones or adventuring fan, oh boy.

...Not gonna lie though, despite being in a general good mood, handling school okay, work is going fine, working out, et cetera, I am a bit emotionally unstable at the moment. I can tell because the slightest little comments are making me upset enough to almost nearly ruin my evenings. I really can't handle people brushing me off much more to go to parties/drink but "oh I don't have enough money to go to a movie". Because alcohol comes out of the faucet for free, I see. Well alrightythen. I'm hoping Laura's not going to be bitchy tomorrow because I think I'm going to need to run away from the rest of the family with her, particularly since the cuzs (cuzns? cuzzes? idek. "cuzs" looks like it should be Polish.) are on the other side of the goddamned country.

...*sigh*. I miss my drum corps family =(

Things I also failed to bitch about earlier this week: The DJ on Saturday, who took requests up to a few days in advance because he couldn't/didn't do on-the-spot mixing (HA, mixing, if you could call it that--what with jumps and awfully apparent tempo changes), in the three hours we were at the dance, played TWO, count 'em, TWO songs that were 1) older than 2000, 2) not a dance/pop/hip-hop song. Seriously, the guy was awful. About 30 minutes in to the dance he played "Wannabe" (Spice Girls--ngl had to look up the title of that song) and with about 20 minutes left he played "You Shook Me All Night Long". The only other song he played that wasn't some currently-top-40-but-actually-shitty-dance-tune-excuse-to-party-hard song was Pokerface. So out of the songs I requested (Fuck You, anything by Gaga, anything by Queen, and anything by Billy Joel), I got one song. Needless to say, I was PISSED THE FUCK OFF. I spent probably half to two-thirds of the dance glaring at the DJ from my chair. I mean, this could be the fault of the coordinators who hired a friend-of-a-friend and maybe forgot to forward our requests, but what kind of shitty DJ plays pretty much ONE TYPE OF SONG all night?! And not even varying between dance tunes and slow songs? WE HAD NO SLOW SONGS ALL NIGHT.

Basically I'm pissed at everyone and everything right now and I'm about to snap. Not angry-snap but just break-down-snap and no one seems to really give a shit, because that's just how things go. Ugh. I'm kinda tired of this crap, really.

Also I do not recommend trying to follow a conversation about a boyfriend's roommate's cousin who is that person's ex and their crazy parents at a party after taking the GRE, because the actual GRE's paragraph and word problems turned out to be much more difficult and brain-power-consuming than I expected them to be and I was (and am) rather brain dead on the this-idea-requires-a-complex-sentence-of-at-least-four-phrases front.

But onto the linkspam:

So, uh, this happened.

MY LIFE MAY OR MAY NOT BE COMPLETE NOW. <3

A really interesting article about Florence Nightingale's influential graph and a common mathematical fallacy of graph creation/interpretation. Fascinating because I encounter a lot of misunderstood data on a fairly regular basis (thank you, journalism majors), and also because these are the type of subtleties you may have to discern between on the GRE. (I did pretty well on the quantitative section, but the reading/vocab was much more difficult than I anticipated and I nearly ran out of time, having to guess haphazardly at a few questions.) Anyway. Data is pretty, and presentation is valuable. I wish I knew more about the historical context of these charts because it might be an interesting topic for Ada Lovelace Day, although perhaps something that focuses on the graphical fallacy is not the best topic. (Nightingale was particularly observant in clinical matters though, wasn't she? Wasn't she the one who told people to wash their hands, basically, kill less people with infection? Or am I thinking of someone else entirely? FIFTH GRADE HISTORY IS FAILING ME.)

An interesting article about Native American culture, race, and steampunk, with significantly more win than all the shenanigans last year. Although I must admit, I don't think I ever heard the story of "the first Thanksgiving" in school. At least, not as a history lesson, but as more of a holiday folklore type thing, minus maybe the "learning how to plant corn" part. ALTHOUGH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT we never approached it from the accuracy point-of-view either. So.

For the record I still don't like "ray guns" as a steampunk thing. I have never come into acceptance of them. Then again I've also become more standoffish about pop culture's reaction to steampunk as a whole anyhow, so, some part of me just also doesn't give a shit (that my entire POV on steampunk is decidedly different, because the generic running-with-steampunk scene is not my cup of tea).

DAMN I AM RANTY TONIGHT. Sorry about that folks. I'm a bit tweaky, it seems.

(I do like that EL wire on the gun, though, despite my active distaste for mods of that nerf gun... Hm. Considerations, considerations.)

Holy crap this test fried my brain a lot more than I expected it to. First I was moody, now I'm just too tired to parse any article with more than one sentence and a funny picture. Basically my brain is running like MemeGenerator at the moment.

Well my mom's cousin is getting put in hospice. =/ I feel really bad because she's taking it really hard and her aunt already lost her husband and one sister.

Anyway, I've been really tired and apathetic lately, and I really hate it. I don't know why... I just have no drive to do anything (not even read all my blogrolls or watch TV), including practice for camp. WHICH I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE TO HAVE ALL MY MUSIC MEMORIZED FOR. Lovely...

Here's the curious thing. I think I am a natural optimist, always have been. It balances well with being rather practical and everything, but I've actually started wondering how much it is perhaps brain chemical related. Can't remember if I talked about this before. Anyway, what started me thinking about this is that when I drink, I don't get any positive/relaxed feelings out of it, I just get sleepy. And then if I drink enough, a little unbalanced (physically, you know, inner ear and vision and muscle control) and a migraine. I think you may (or may not) get more out of me if you get me jacked up on Mountain Dew. Well, for one thing, it definitely cements in my mind that drunkenness is mental, particularly for all the folks that can hold their alcohol well, but I do have to wonder if perhaps I--chemically--have a higher propensity towards being happy. Because my mom even asked me, when I told her how I've felt today, if I was depressed (...were depressed? fuck this tense), and... I don't think so. At least not how I think of depression. When I think of depression I think of feeling like life is not worth living, and although I have felt all weekend like everything is pointless, I DO NOT (and never have, and have always thought I never will) want to die. That's always how I've been. Seriously, all those mortality tales you read in high school when they talk about how no one wants to live forever? I would. You could do everything! Learn everything! It would be awesome. ANYWAY.

Also, talked about some stuff in psychology about basic personality traits (O.C.E.A.N.) and discovered I am probably some level of neurotic (meaning, easily emotional). ADDITIONALLY, the way the prof talked about it, I probably am some mild to medium form of paranoid? Which is interesting, because now I want to know what level is normal (if any... my extent of knowledge of that consists of one of Slartibartfast's lines from the new Hitchhiker's movie, so, you know, nothing much).

AAAAAAANNYYYYWAAAAAYYY.

I did nothing this weekend. I beat Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings and did no homework and watched a bunch of movies, all because I had no drive to do anything and I completely forgot there were some things I should have done months ago and keep forgetting to do. THAT IS HAPPENING NEXT WEEK because I need to clear that off my schedule for fuck's sake. =/

( game spoilers if you care )

Mmmm... yeah. Gotta get to that homework. Fuckkkkkkkk.

Oh, P.S., beware in the future there will probably be a HUGE up-and-coming self-psychology post... You know, all the things that have been brewing in my head forever and I finally need to put down or something, hahahaha. Good times.

Sometimes I really wonder if I should have been a psychologist... =/

My best friend from grade school is in the hospital. She's having bleeding/clot problems. I don't know the details, and I don't know if I should post something on facebook because I don't know how private it's supposed to be. But I'm worried. =/

Family dinner tonight, that was interesting. Max called beforehand and told Laura and I to wear plaid, it turns out Max and Kyle and Chris all wore flannel plaid, it was awesome. We were so ridiculous-looking.

The only bad part was when Kyle ran off to the bathroom once, we started joking that we wouldn't be surprised if he came out bi, more likely than gay, seriously, he has some... interesting affectations. But it sort of veered off into a discussion about bisexuality, and it really pissed me off because Max and Laura said they didn't understand it, you either are or you aren't gay, and I was just pissed because trying to explain anything subtle to them--here the Kinsey scale, or like earlier, the racism and shit in Avatar--first, they don't want to listen. Second, they assume I have to be a part of that minority to be offended, and I really, really don't need them to be seriously thinking I'm gay or something. I mean, not that it would be a slur, but that I already get enough harassment from my family for not liking ham and pineapple. Seriously. (Tangent: is there something similar to the Kinsey scale for hyper-/a-sexuality/romanticism? Because I'm not completely polarized but I'm definitely more on the icebitch side, to put it one way...) Yeah, so I got to be offended by their ignorance for a bit, listen to them talk about all their drinking and dating and crap like that, and sometimes I forget that I spend so much time online and that people online... actually read... and know things. =/

Yeah.

Probably not going to do a big post for New Year's since there's going to be PARTY AT MY HOUSE omg beer pong on the back porch gonna be ridic sleepover with ~everyone~ I am super excited. Not too crazy but I love my friends. =)

2009... you can show yourself to the door. My summer was amazing, I made a lot of friends, a lot of best friends, and yet the rest of the year sucked fucking ass. A fucking shit-ton of it.

2010... I am willing to have another crappy year to have a summer better than the last. Age-out, go big or go home, I want to come in more than 12th. Glassmen can GTFO and passing Phantom would be amazing, idk, this summer is going to be amazing, period. But 2010, I'd really like to start the teens (EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT THE NEXT DECADE, I ~KNOW~) well, so if you could see it to not be so shitty? That would be great. Really.

goddamn, 2009, you were a bitch

Current Music: Chuck theme

Dear fate/destiny/life/whatever:

YOU HAVE THE WORST FUCKING TIMING EVER. Can't you at least wait to pull this shit when I don't have tests happening? This is definitely the worst semester ever.

Today is Thursday, and today I am most definitely Arthur Dent.

I absolutely cannot wait for Christmas so I can just be done with this shit.

Ugh.

(On the positive side, I posted something similar as my facebook status, and Uncle Steve told me to start drinking and Don't Panic. I love my family.)

Today turned from a Sucky Final day into a Nostalgia Day. Which, as always, is both awesome and terrible.

First of all, I found out I really don't give much of a shit about X-men. I just like action movies. (And it doesn't hurt to have Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber in it, does it?) Also, I was in a room full of nerds. Not nerds in the good way, either... Like, awkward high school boys. The ratio of guys to girls in that room was way too high. Also, I'm glad Domer doesn't mind being a douche and cracking jokes because that movie was PRETTY FUCKING CHEESY. But in a good way! I just couldn't stop from laughing, sorry. At one point I asked him what Zero's power is (since he... shoots guns fast? And since Domer seemd to actually know shit about X-men) and he was just like "He's just Matt Ehrhart" which made me laugh my ass off.

Best part of the movie (also Best Audience Reaction): the subtitles "Springfield, Ohio" shows at the bottom of the screen. Crowd erupts into cheers. (That was pretty much the only reaction except for a few laughs like the elevator scene. BOO, I need audiences that laugh more. No wonder I sound like a psycho.)

Finally, did anyone watch the Chuck finale monday? Okay, so, not to spoil much or anything, at one point Ted Roark says "Imagine that, that terrible pun will be the last words you ever hear." WHICH COULD NOT HAVE PREDICTED THE ENDING TO THIS MOVIE ANY BETTER. I'm serious.

Really? You picked a lame line as your "dramatic ending"? This is an action movie, and not a great one at that. (Okay, well, it's great. It's just also cheesy.) And it's part of a huge series. And you couldn't show some dramatic character return or show up or have someone's ass get handed to them with a punny finish line? Instead you just... tried to be serious in a punny manner? idgi.

...Anyway... So the concert was tonight, and I realized I haven't been there in a damn long time. That is, the auditorium. I miss it a lot... =/ I miss Miss Shoup a lot, too, and all her craziness and taste in music. Anyway, so we kinda played like shit, but that's okay. I hung out with Stephen and Phil and Travis some, which is always good, and OH MY GOD THE KINDERGARTENERS WERE DRESSED UP LIKE FLAPPERS AND DID "FIVE FOOT TWO". Talk about coincidences. I did the whole dance backstage from memory :D My mom joked that I should have gone out there on stage as an "alumni performer". It's hard to believe it's been sooooo long, and yet that song and that dance have stuck with me better than almost anything else I ever performed at St. B's. Miss Shoup even remembers doing it last time =)

Which was kind of when the sad, nostalgic, oh-my-god-shit-is-ending feeling started to set in for the night. I'm officially a senior, even though I get a victory lap and grad school, that's still a HUGE jump in perspecive, feels like. Graduation time is always that way for me. Well, that and move-out every year. =S

It's weird though; at the same time I just hang out with the guys (earlier Travis/Stephen/Phil, later Domer/MattE) I feel both completely secure in myself (uh, as a person I guess) and yet I miss them and shit like Carroll so much. And I know I'm going to miss UD people over the summer, and I dunno, I just keep missing and missing and missing and I... don't know. Anyway, that's enough emo from me.

So at the concert, apparently the not-immediately-connected crowd did not know Edgar and Rachel might be dating, except for Stephen who supposedly had seen them making out after rock mass one time. (I believe him, but I don't exactly trust him, either.) But then Phil (or... MattE? or Travis?) told me that their sister (all of whom I am much more likely to trust) said they saw them holding hands down at the Greene. SOOOOO that kinda seals that deal for me, I'll be over here puking kthx

Also, Dad found out, but what happened was that we were all being overreactionary and hyperbolic (face it, when are we not) and Phil managed to tell him that they were getting married, which they are not, it's just my favorite reaction to say (with a disgusted look) "I don't want to go to their wedding" (which I think Stephen or Phil made a hilarious joke about "speak now or forever hold your peace" but I can't remember what it was, lol). ANYWAY, so then Dad asked me if I'd heard, and just to check it wasn't being bullshitted around (which always happens, and SURPRISE! it did) asked him exactly what he heard, which was that they were getting married, so I made sure to clear that up.

But still... Now that Dad and Mom know, it's kind of weird. Because all I can do is tell them I'm sufficiently creeped out by it, it's not like I can just go up and be like WELL I'M GLAD YOU LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH HIM BUT I KIND OF HATE HIS GUTS, you know? Although I did realize if push comes to shove I cna tell them he really is kind of a creeper. In that awkward-guy way. BECAUSE HE IIIIISSSSS D:

Bleh, anyway. The main point of may day was this: Wolverine was awesome but cheesy, I miss doing the Charleston, and I love hanging out with the Carroll guys. =)

And now I'm really tired. =/ Gotta movie out tomorrow, oh what fun

I'm trying not to think about summer Surveying and how much I'm going to want to kill myself taking that class. Instead I'm hoping for lots of downtime I can use to get in shape and Tuesday Trivia Nights and taking my little to see Star Trek and hopefully having some awesome weekends. bleeehhhhhhhhn

[EDIT] Almost forgot ( don't wanna spoil it for you, but )

[Error: unknown template qotd]Sorry I've been in a bit of a political mood lately, but this sort of question has always been weird to me. I mean, I understand admiring someone to the point you'd joke about it, but anyone who takes it seriously I would honestly just want to punch in the face. And sorry, I'm kind of in a face-punchy, baby-kicking mood today. ACID TRIPPY DREAM, OKAY?! That is my excuse.

By the by, "viciousism" is a word I made up in high school, or maybe even gradeschool, simply because it's fun to say. However, I think that the definition may be this sort of hyperbolic anger I take towards a lot of things. It would be appropriate. :D We'll just have to see if that definition takes on. (It's like naming a pet or something... sometimes their titles don't fit what they are. So that emotion may not be viciousism, and viciousism may not be this. I'm weird, I know.)

Environmental ethics has brought up some interesting things to talk about, but it is much less applicable than I thought it was going to be. Well, that sounds wrong. It is completely applicable to every aspect of life, which is why I like philosophy; but it is not at all like my Engineering Ethics class, where we are asked to look at ethical dilemmas faced by professional engineers.

But I digress; today I came upon a thought that can better articulate something I've been feeling lately, that nameless thing.

Regardless, I really don't want to talk about that right now. Last week was a long and exhausting week and this week is not much better. I had a nice panicked moment when I thought I had part of my final project due for economics, but it was the grad part of the class that did. *breathe*

Oh, it's supposed to snow heavily tomorrow. Hurrah! Maybe Girl Scouts will be canceled and I can regain some sanity time.

I've had some pretty bold-imageried dreams lately... I don't know if that's because of all the crap I've been eating and drinking, or the fact I'm not sleeping well, or what.

Everyone seems kind of on-edge, too... Not sure why, but it's rather worrisome.

Anyway, I have like seven emails to myself of links I've accumulated that I need to disperse. So, without further ado:

Cool military deceptions. I've always been intrigued by deception... The number of detective and spy books I read when I was in gradeschool was rather ridiculous, I'm sure.

Any UKers out there? I'm like 90% sure no, but just in case I am passing that on. It doesn't sound good.

The floating islands of Titicaca. So effin' sweet. I'm such an engineering dork.

I'm confused about what's going on here...? But both the Disney-capitalist and agnostic parts of me rather love it. Capitalism is crazy sometimes...

The Eight Weirdest Ways We'll Generate Energy in the Future. As an engineer who's been hearing about green design for a while now, most of those are not that "weird". Personally, the weirdest one is... tornadoes? I think I need a diagram to grasp the idea of this one.

Seven Phenomenal Wonders of the Natural World. I think I've linked this before, but I don't remember the sailing stones, and that's pretty amazing shit right there.

There are a lot of days I wish I could just be an explorer-naturalist. How badass of a job would that be?

Oh dude, and Neil Gaiman got a Newberry award! Congrats to him! Very deserved.

Hahaaaaaa fuck. So my MW am class changed classrooms, and NO ONE TOLD ME. So I showed up early (about five minutes, which is normal for me) and no one was there. I waited. No one continued to show up. Great. I walked out in the hall and made sure I was in the right classroom... Yes. Waited a few more minutes, texted Geoff (who's in most of my classes this semester), and walked home. The only reason I'm upset is that we were supposed to have a quiz today, AND the professor actually takes attendance, and I don't want me not getting an email to count against me twice in my grades. Fucking hell.

Other than that hour of stress, I'm in pretty much the same mood I was last night. Bah.

Okay, why on earth does this keep happening to me? When I sit long blocks to study I keep just having these gigantic flashes of... I dunno... life issues, or something. I mean, just thoughts on my own life. A totally different perspective on what's going on here. The weird part is that whatever I'm studying has nothing to do with the thoughts that show up. I think...? I dunno.

...Perspective doesn't look like a word.

Fuck drama, and fuck this emotional bullshit, and fuck wastewater.

I have been working on this fucking assignment for two and a half god damned hours and have ONE problem finished. OUT OF FOUR.

I fucking hate Dr. Taylor. No examples in the book, no examples in class. She is the

worst

teacher

i have

ever

had.

You know what I realized the solution to my problem is? A classic musical.

HOW DO I NOT OWN OKLAHOMA OR THE SOUND OF MUSIC. Not even Little Shop on DVD, daaaaaamn. Just that old VCR recording that I think Papa might have taped (because the intro and the credits are cut off).

I have... ~zero~... musicals here with me. Dammit. How did I get this far with zero musicals? Semi-musicals don't count. Enchanted's out. Oh wait, I have Hairspray, but that is far from a classic. ARGH. I NEED THAT RETRO-NESS.

Yeah... so.

PD officially dead in the water. Not cancelled, just dead in the water.

I hope another network picks it up. Preferrable to comics. If not, I hope they get a really good artist that gives it the same feel as the show (I don't know how they'd really pull that off...), and good writers, because so much of that show is the writers, and bad character writing is the reason I don't read the Indiana Jones comics or books.

And a movie, I could live with a movie, too. Anything to give the story its ending, really...

BUT DAMNIT THIS IS THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. >:C Those actors are some of my freakin favorites, and, just, I don't know. Everything about that show is fantastic.

*sigh*

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I really don't have time this week to update or anything. Um, I kind of have to make an exception. In comparison to everyone else's problems this week (of which I've heard many, and I'm talking friends around campus because haha like I've had time to read blogs) today qualifies as the worst day ever. And somehow I'm chugging through because I know if I don't, it will only get worse, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Um, but. It kind of gets worse. See, I am doing Hopewalk. That has consumed my life because yes Sarah is awesome and everything but she hasn't been real on top of stuff on her end so far, but at the same time she's getting stuck with all the work this weekend so I don't really feel like there's much room for me to complain.

So anyway. I had three tests last week and I have one on Thursday still and plus my regular homework load, plus an extra lab (I have to redo the first for some points I lost a lot of doing things wrong), plus the lab took me an impossibly long time to do the calculations which were wrong but hold on this is part of the story.

So I didn't even get to the lab until 11 last night. I worked on it until 12:30 when my brain stops comprehending numbers and I decide I'll get up at 5; that gives me an hour to finish that lab and an hour for the second and 15 minutes to do today's prelab. Well I spent the whole time working on the first lab which was still incomplete, and definitely spent a good chunk of time stressed and crying, but luckily Dr. Crosson understood about the run and I got an extension until tomorrow (my deadline, not hers).

Meanwhile I have a list of Hopewalk things 50 miles long. Switch cars with mom, copy forms, tables, pick up supplies from Kay (in Troy), make banners, email everyone about everything. I switched cars, then I had to meet with Dr. Crosson about what I was doing wrong, and then I had to come back and make a banner and do my art homework. So six o'clock rolls around, I have to go visit Kay to get the tables and water jugs, mom calls. My cousins' (I have only two first cousins, my dad's brothers twins) grandpa fell out of a tree and injured his head and is in urgent care.

Wow, yeah? Not good. He's so healthy and walks every day and head injuries are not good. But we can't tell Max in Colorado because he has a final tomorrow (his school does like month-long super-intense classes and rotates), and can't tell Kyle because he's in Argentina.

So I am stressing about getting the stuff back to campus in time to change into dressy clothes and make it to KU in time for Greek 101, which actually turnedout to be an awesome speaker but still sucked up two of my hours I could have been making the banners I didn't get to or the lab/homework I'm behind on.

Uh, so, I get back home afterwards and I'm trying to figure out all the Hopewalk stuff everyone has to do. Go through emails, my checklist, what do I need what are we doing where is everything. Check my phone to call Sarah. Three messages.

Mr. McGarvey died.

Um... yeah, wow. He was just so... full of energy all the time. And I think part of it is not that I knew him particularly well (I mean, I didn't) or that his accident is rather tragic or that I've spent so much time this past year trying to determine what I believe, and reconfirming at the very least I still have a lot of issue with the reality of "heaven" (as an idea I like it, though). That's not my problem. I don't know what the problem is, I just cannot accept death well, of anything. Maybe because I never had anyone close to me die until I was eleven or so and Fuzzy died. I mean Nana and Tippy didn't die until four years ago; that's a long time to go without someone close to you dying. (I mean, people in my family did, but locally the family is very small.) And I just... I dunno. Maybe because I'm so emotional. But it's just all a feeling of denial or something for me. They can't be dead, why don't I remember more about them, what about this and that everything, and so often I will have a dream or a thought or a memory of them where they are so alive and I am just so haunted by it, I can't get over it. I still bawl about Nana, and Fuzzy and Tippy and forgodssakes even Papa sometimes though I never met him. And Jacob, damn. He died too young.

I dunno, it's an area where I feel completely lost, and all I can do is miss them, a lot.

Hopefully, Max can come back and Kyle can too, and the funeral will be next week. I definitely need this PoD weekend now (yet another thing on my stress-source-until-Friday list; I need to pack and do laundry and go shopping), definitely definitely definitely.

Yet somehow I just push it all aside because I don't want to use that excuse; I need to stay on top of things and clear things out of my to-do list. I don't know. I can't guess if I'll be upset tomorrow, I'm probably too busy with my to-do's rught now. I'm just waiting until someone makes a comment during band... I think that's the time I'll really just sort of collapse.

This day has been ridiculous. I can't say worst day ever because somehow I am coping with it all. But it feels ludicrous. I already got an extension because of how busy I am, and if I absolutely needed to I could actually go in tomorrow and say "I had a death in the family, I need a further extension" and it's the truth. And somehow... that ridiculousness... feels the weirdest to me.

I was really hoping this entry was going to be about the speaker from tonight, which, by the way, it's still tonight of the 23rd for me because I haven't gone to bed yet. Dear lord, I nearly nodded off in art today, who knows how awful it will be tomorrow. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a month and a half, and I doubt a good one is forthcoming.

OH GOD THE WEATHER IS AMAZING

I was in a Halloween mood for the past few weeks and now I'm in a CHRISTMAS MOOD just WTF and YAY and OMG STRESS and I have a billion things to blog but I'm soooo busy this week with PoD and Hopewalk and homework and uuuuugh.

BUT. Friday night I'm reserving blog time for myself. And I'm going to watch Shawn of the Dead. This of course all after I go grocery shopping and go home to get clothes for the WTF Are You Wearing Party for SATURDAY omg yay. Can you say tacky Christmas tights + striped socks + swimsuit + nerd scarf + shiny gauntlets + bowler? Oh I think you can. I just need to decide which shoes would be appropriate ;D

IN THE MEANTIME! I am leaving you with this. And now I will commit ritual seppuku with Wastewater homework.

Also, The Beeftrain Incident also made a full-on Mr./Dr. Jones parody (FINALLY, after that short version on College Humor was up forever, but was only like two verses, though I liked the fact it was from Shorty's POV), which makes me excited because I actually have six songs on my non-Williams Indy CD. Actually, non-movie CD, because I don't have stuff like "Wake Up Little Susie" or "Hound Dog" or "Shake, Rattle and Roll" on there either. But I need to.

Also I swear there's other songs that reference Indy that I don't have... and I can't for the life of me recall who the artist was that did Jazz Raiders. Feh...

BUT OMG THE WEATHER, IT'S AMAZING. I loved living in Hawaii but I always completely forget how the fall makes me feel. I can't explain it, it's like I feel like a totally different person, really.

Oh, is anyone else watching Fringe? I don't need to get addicted to another show but it's so awesome and the Dr's combination for his garage lock was 3-1-4-1-5-9 and I LOVE YOU NERD WRITERS, YOU ARE SO AWESOME, SERIOUSLY. :D

EPIC DAY TODAY.

So everyone's sitting at home doing homework and stuff, waiting for chapter to roll around. The wind was ridiculous and definitely keeping us entertained. I had to go get the pool off the fence for Baujan Field, and Brittany noticed all our neighbors across the street pointing and realized we had siding coming off. From Adela's room you could see St. Joe's losing shingles off the roof. At one point the gusts were so strong I thought they were going to blow the window-mounted AC right into the house. D:

So security is coming around telling everyone to stay inside (of course EVERYONE across the street from us is outside on their porches for hours; wtf?!), and sending out warnings through the system (so the house got five calls, one for each of us) and chapter gets cancelled. So we all go back to watching TV and gettin' shit done, and of course we're all busy and sort of worried about our workload etc. etc. Well, then the internet goes down and everyone goes fuck, well, what am I supposed to do now? So we all kind of do chores until the internet comes back.

BUT, the power goes out across campus. For us it flicks back on in I'd say less than half a second, and we continue to do homework and stuff. Word slowly travels across the ghetto and the rest of campus that the north side of Stonemill (us) is the only part of the Ghetto (and actually the Dark Side, too, but I don't know about the houses by Frericks) with power. The dorms don't have power, and the upper floors (like five and above in Marycrest) don't have water, either, because of pressure.

Eventually a whole bunch of girls (some Phi Rho, some pledging, some just engineers) come over to take showers and do homework, and as it's nearing ten or so Brittany comes downstairs super-excited and puts a Britney Spears song on the CD player, puts the speaker up to the window and BLASTS it. She decided she was going to wreak revenge upon our neighbors across the street for all their Thursday/Friday/Saturday late-night music, and eventually we find some good music and I burn a mix CD and stuff.

So then Candice gets word that the PMA house (in the middle of the Ghetto, mind you, sans power) is having a greenlight. (They have an old stoplight upstairs; when it's green, it's party time.) So of course we have to go over there, and the guys are there , and as we leave our house we notice the UD Police pull up right behind us. Well, we get over to the PMA house and they're actually partying and drinking and stuff. There are a few glowbracelets and the greenlight is actually the team lights from a green-team Nerf gun, and they are powering their music off the battery for the pep band bass guitar. So of course it is awesome and at this point everyone is getting sort of slap-happy and more people are getting word and actually coming to the greenlight. Candice and I figure since we have homework and worry that Brittany might have freaked out from the police that we should go back to our house. (After all, we were having a party, too!)

So as we get back to Stonemill we can tell we're no longer blasting music, but the house down the street has Christmas lights up. One porch and one tree with colored lights, and then the tree also has a blinking giant white star. We realize Danny and Mike and some of the other guys from that house are the ones who put some of it up, so we go down there and talk to them for a bit and then steal some of their lights for our house. Well, we get back to our house and Brittany and Christine were already having thoughts of Christmas lights and pull out the house's lights. Which is an entire shopping bag full of stuff. So we put the music back on and shove an extension cord through the window AC's opening and proceed to spend the next hour or so hanging up lights, taking photos, waving to passing cars, and talking to people on the street. A few guys (5th year MBAs, don't know their names) from our side of Stonemill come down to see what's going on after we're taking out bizillionth photo with my tripod. They had heard that since we are on the grid with the campus, which is all on a generator (or, I'm guessing, several) that all these houses with the lights were trying to suck power to get classes cancelled. I can't speak for the other houses but we tell them that we're just trying to give the Ghetto some light and make people smile. And seriously, by this time, the lights are ridiculous. We have colored lights up one pole and around the top; white lights on the bushes in front; colored light tubes down the railing and around the front of the bushes; and pulsing white and blue icicles hanging from the other handrails. At this point we had a few people drive by and call us assholes :C I think because they were jealous we had power. But some people are staying the night (of course after we'd spent half a retaliation-induced-dance party and Christmas-lights time doing homework) sleeping on our couches and stuff, and some guys were supposed to come sleep over on the couches in the basement (they haven't showed up yet), but who knows. Tomorrow is another day, we'll see how that goes, too.

Oh, and the cops didn't even come up to the house and yell at us, Brittany turned the music down as soon as they pulled up apparently. =P

And after all the fun, I walk inside to see Brittany had taken a whiteboard marker and written on the wall tiles in the kitchen "Diane's Schedule" with a hole and arrows (because getting my schedule up is low on my priorities list right now) and I fix it to read "Diane's Schedule: Hopewalk and/or PoD" and Brittany and I decide (well, first of all, that we need to wash the tiles because when I got a wet paper towel to wipe away her schedule hole, there was a distinct white area and dirt line) that we are going to memorialize Phi Rho House Fun on the walls with the whiteboard markers. So she writes up "cops called" and "no power" and "christmas lights" with "9/14" on there and I add "AAHHH SPRINKLES" from Candice and this year is going to be awesome.

I'm kind of sad, though, the winds knocked over an old tree at home. =C It seems like all the older trees are having to go for one reason or another... Falling down, having to get cut down so they don't fall on the house, having to get cut down so they don't uproot the foundation, rotting, getting struck by lightning... =/ Or in this case blown WAAAAY over. It's just weird because when you come home after the old trees come down, it feels like there is a big hole in the sky. And of course, you can't just quickly grow a tree to fill it in... Yeah, this kind of thing breaks my heart, same kind of thing as having to move...

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mercat

November 2015

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The Daily Adventures of Mercat

when life gives you lemons, make shark attacks (kitschy plastic sharks included)

Entries tagged with emotions

I wish I were drunk right now

Well I'm in a bad mood again

A brief note

Exhausted.

4 AM; HAVEN'T STARTED TURKEY DAY POST YET

uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is a title.

not diana

right down to the end

UGH.

five foot two, eyes of blue

...what.

kittanz

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out of nowhere, perspective

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tears for fears

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when it's time to party we will party hard

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November 2015

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