that's a metaphor?

Today has been the most confusing 24 hours of my life, I think. You know that feeling where the only emotion you've got is confusion and worries? That was me the last 24 hours. I don't know what hit me... Nick said he gets the same kind of feeling, where you miss people, right after you've been with them and you're back by yourself. That was kind of it. Except there was a lot of confusion because it was very focused, like on one person and I couldn't shake it off. I spent the entire day going "it's just hormones, just hormones, go away go away leave me the fuck alone" and it was just bad because I've spent the last 24 hours trying to rationalize that a feeling doesn't exist, just to clarify my mind.

Then again, I can't hate it because, dude, at least something's there. Why do I say that? Because I took a shower to relax myself, which worked. I didn't actually get to think anything through, because the feeling just kind of melted away. I'm sure it will be back tomorrow because I always wake up kind of jumpy. As of right now the nervousness is starting to come back, and the adrenaline of that will cause my mind to be jumping all over making pictures I don't need. (You know what I'm talking about. Not gross or inappropriate things, just your mind comes up with things that make you go "WTF...can we get rid of that? Thanks." Except it won't really go away because the sheer fact that your brain produced that eats at you.) At any rate, once I get feelings to melt away when I'm relaxed, I almost always have some small regret.

But whatever, my heart is already racing senselessly, though it's probably got partly to do with the fact that I'm freaking out over corps, which is slightly but distantly related to the issue at hand anyway.

So anyway. Just a collection of the confusing mass of thoughts that attacked me today:

"Don't trust anyone." From Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade-- I felt like I didn't trust my brain today to come up with coherent thoughts.

"It's driving me sane." Seriously I thought of like 5 more things today that qualify me as a strange child. I find it incredible that I considered myself normal, and everyone else weird... because in society today it's totally the opposite. (Which just reminds me of the Xkcd comic about being adults, and redefining what adulthood means. Because this morning I was walking back from work going, fuck this, I'm a female and I'm gonna write my own goddamn definition of what being a female is.)

So, yeah. The only savior of my brain today was my ensemble. I had on the green pants that Laura gave me for my hobo costume (which are probably Ryan Hines's, and Laura got them through Renee-- and they are the best pants EVER, because they have the cargo pockets like I had on my fave pair of jeans from like 8 or 9 years ago, which promptly went out of style for juniors sizes) because they are amazingly comfortable and baggy and pockets yay, plus my fall-purple long sleeve shirt with my yellow Hindu-like-god-heads shirt over it, and my fall-purple/dark-purple striped kneehighs. And then when it was raining I was thinking I probably have the strangest umbrella on campus, and it reminded me of Day of the Dead stuff and I figured it was a good example of why I used to like black so much (because it shows off neons well, duh). And then I remembered I have my purple fedora as well, and that I should wear it with the outfit I wore for homecoming dance last year! Haha.

And then I was just thinking about how yesterday I had on a guys' shirt (our calc ones were all from the guys' section of Target, for consistency), guys' pants (Ryan's LOL), and guys' socks (the pep band tube socks... they are amazingly soft). And just now I've got a guys' long-underwear shirt on. Seriously, I'm gonna start getting more clothes from the guys' section, they have the best stuff! Like at Target a few weeks ago I saw PJ pants that had the old Creature from the Black Lagoon all over them. They were awesome. (So yeah, redefining female... today I kept thinking too masculine to be female and too feminine to be male. But I mean, seriously. In gradeschool I detested the girls as well, and preferred to hang out with guys. I pretty much considered myself a tomboy, minus the part where I lost my sports skills... but I think I could recover those if I did some workouts.)


Humm, so then there was this weird poem I fashioned after the one we did in Hemmert's, kind of, called "I am":

I am the Queen of Egypt
and Greenland as well
I'm the oldest generation
and the youngest child.

I'm not one for subtlety
(but I am for secrets)
And my metaphors are either too obscure
or nonexistant.


Yeah, so...it's pretty self-explanatory... if you don't understand, you weren't meant to, and some of it you might be able to figure out but it's completely unimportant.

And I can't stop thinking about how different I was in gradeschool... I remember coming home for one of the first times in high school and actually thinking that I was starting to actually talk more, mostly about band. Haha. (I wrote down earlier, "I used to.")

(Also, I remember wearing my pink and grey 3/4 shirt with the flower to Family Life in 6th grade and afterwards asking poeple to do my soda taste test for science fair. Don't ask me how I remember that, I dunno.)

So, I'm very nervous about drum corps. Just... gah. Four hundred people. That's a lot of cuts. But I said my backup plan is just to go to Troopers, LOL. I did work out for a half an hour and practice for about 20 minutes today. But I was really tired and worn out today, so I will attempt more tomorrow.

Sooo. I hardly said what I wanted to say, but I'm trying to forget the feeling for as long as possible, so I don't want to try, either.

that's a metaphor?

Today has been the most confusing 24 hours of my life, I think. You know that feeling where the only emotion you've got is confusion and worries? That was me the last 24 hours. I don't know what hit me... Nick said he gets the same kind of feeling, where you miss people, right after you've been with them and you're back by yourself. That was kind of it. Except there was a lot of confusion because it was very focused, like on one person and I couldn't shake it off. I spent the entire day going "it's just hormones, just hormones, go away go away leave me the fuck alone" and it was just bad because I've spent the last 24 hours trying to rationalize that a feeling doesn't exist, just to clarify my mind.

Then again, I can't hate it because, dude, at least something's there. Why do I say that? Because I took a shower to relax myself, which worked. I didn't actually get to think anything through, because the feeling just kind of melted away. I'm sure it will be back tomorrow because I always wake up kind of jumpy. As of right now the nervousness is starting to come back, and the adrenaline of that will cause my mind to be jumping all over making pictures I don't need. (You know what I'm talking about. Not gross or inappropriate things, just your mind comes up with things that make you go "WTF...can we get rid of that? Thanks." Except it won't really go away because the sheer fact that your brain produced that eats at you.) At any rate, once I get feelings to melt away when I'm relaxed, I almost always have some small regret.

But whatever, my heart is already racing senselessly, though it's probably got partly to do with the fact that I'm freaking out over corps, which is slightly but distantly related to the issue at hand anyway.

So anyway. Just a collection of the confusing mass of thoughts that attacked me today:

"Don't trust anyone." From Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade-- I felt like I didn't trust my brain today to come up with coherent thoughts.

"It's driving me sane." Seriously I thought of like 5 more things today that qualify me as a strange child. I find it incredible that I considered myself normal, and everyone else weird... because in society today it's totally the opposite. (Which just reminds me of the Xkcd comic about being adults, and redefining what adulthood means. Because this morning I was walking back from work going, fuck this, I'm a female and I'm gonna write my own goddamn definition of what being a female is.)

So, yeah. The only savior of my brain today was my ensemble. I had on the green pants that Laura gave me for my hobo costume (which are probably Ryan Hines's, and Laura got them through Renee-- and they are the best pants EVER, because they have the cargo pockets like I had on my fave pair of jeans from like 8 or 9 years ago, which promptly went out of style for juniors sizes) because they are amazingly comfortable and baggy and pockets yay, plus my fall-purple long sleeve shirt with my yellow Hindu-like-god-heads shirt over it, and my fall-purple/dark-purple striped kneehighs. And then when it was raining I was thinking I probably have the strangest umbrella on campus, and it reminded me of Day of the Dead stuff and I figured it was a good example of why I used to like black so much (because it shows off neons well, duh). And then I remembered I have my purple fedora as well, and that I should wear it with the outfit I wore for homecoming dance last year! Haha.

And then I was just thinking about how yesterday I had on a guys' shirt (our calc ones were all from the guys' section of Target, for consistency), guys' pants (Ryan's LOL), and guys' socks (the pep band tube socks... they are amazingly soft). And just now I've got a guys' long-underwear shirt on. Seriously, I'm gonna start getting more clothes from the guys' section, they have the best stuff! Like at Target a few weeks ago I saw PJ pants that had the old Creature from the Black Lagoon all over them. They were awesome. (So yeah, redefining female... today I kept thinking too masculine to be female and too feminine to be male. But I mean, seriously. In gradeschool I detested the girls as well, and preferred to hang out with guys. I pretty much considered myself a tomboy, minus the part where I lost my sports skills... but I think I could recover those if I did some workouts.)


Humm, so then there was this weird poem I fashioned after the one we did in Hemmert's, kind of, called "I am":

I am the Queen of Egypt
and Greenland as well
I'm the oldest generation
and the youngest child.

I'm not one for subtlety
(but I am for secrets)
And my metaphors are either too obscure
or nonexistant.


Yeah, so...it's pretty self-explanatory... if you don't understand, you weren't meant to, and some of it you might be able to figure out but it's completely unimportant.

And I can't stop thinking about how different I was in gradeschool... I remember coming home for one of the first times in high school and actually thinking that I was starting to actually talk more, mostly about band. Haha. (I wrote down earlier, "I used to.")

(Also, I remember wearing my pink and grey 3/4 shirt with the flower to Family Life in 6th grade and afterwards asking poeple to do my soda taste test for science fair. Don't ask me how I remember that, I dunno.)

So, I'm very nervous about drum corps. Just... gah. Four hundred people. That's a lot of cuts. But I said my backup plan is just to go to Troopers, LOL. I did work out for a half an hour and practice for about 20 minutes today. But I was really tired and worn out today, so I will attempt more tomorrow.

Sooo. I hardly said what I wanted to say, but I'm trying to forget the feeling for as long as possible, so I don't want to try, either.