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So today is Ash Wednesday, beginning of Lent. A time you're supposed to change and everything, right? I think I've been changing a lot in the past year or two, for good or for bad. And I think that while I spent a lot of time looking for what I am, I lost who I am. And over the past week I've somehow found it again. I can't really explain it, precisely, but I feel like my old self, just smarter. By old self I mean the person I was in high school (fuck, even late gradeschool), except, like I said, with added intelligence and experience as college brings.
So, honestly, with Lent you're supposed to give something up or try to better yourself in honor of God. And in light of this being Lent, and me not ever making my New Year's Resolutions post, and what I've relearned or reexperienced or remembered (tangent: can you just "member"?) in the past week, I think it's time to set some stuff down in stone (as it were). It feels dishonest to try to figure things out when what I'm figuring out clearly isn't what I used to think and to still define myself by what I was before.
Somehow in the past two years I got wrapped up in trying to find what I lost, that feeling of excitement of discovery and adventure (I suppose), and in the meantime I managed to let it slip through my fingers completely. I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but I've felt it a hundred times; since I got back this summer (which was an amazing experience), I've felt not myself. Utterly moreso than was "normal". I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I do think I need to step up and redefine things.
Roughly Junior and Senior year of high school I figured out that I really, honestly, don't have a problem believing in God. For a while, thinking about "what is Heaven" really got to me and I was afraid I was losing my religion. I am still comfortable with there being a God, it's just a little more complicated. However, that comes later in the story. I'm not really sure how the change happened. Was it watching Pirates for the first time that about the same time Pastafarianism came around, and Pat and I thoroughly enjoyed pirate-ing it up and poking fun at things? I don't know. I really don't; I'm not a Pastafarian and although I can't take the creation story literally, I don't completely disrespect people's faith. I guess it's all a bit difficult to explain, so bear with me. I promise I'll get all the points down before I hit "post." ;)
I don't believe things literally that aren't founded and backed and everything, but I'm not saying they're not true. There just isn't any proof (enough for me) that one religion is exclusively 100% true while the others are "pagan" and 100% false. (I don't even think that's the right way to think about it, but I think most people are raised to because they take religion at face value and don't look at any deeper aspects.) However, I have a deep respect for the good they may do (this interestingly can be demonstrated in relation to Christianity and the "monkeysphere" idea which I find fascinating) and the truths they do hold. I guess it's more of a philosophical outlook but I am a logical being (meaning it's not how I've chosen to be, but what I am and have been), so there's nothing I can do about that.
I remember realizing a long time ago that, no matter what you believe, you're going to have to take something on faith. If you're religious then maybe it's that God created the world, if you're scientific maybe it's that the Big Bang happened and there's been enough chaos/random occurrences (as my stats professor says, most anything has a chance of happening at least once) to end up with that we have today. But through Catholicism I've learned that neither has to be mutually exclusive, which I suppose got me thinking; couldn't many religions be not mutually exclusive if we could look for their truths and not the "unimportant" (so to speak) details? I think that sort of thought came from my dad and from learning about Pope John Paul II. (Upon research, it's more the Second Vatican Council the statement came from, but JP2 definitely worked for peace and religioius understanding which is why I associate it with him.) Basically, the Vatican II statement was made that the final goal of all people is to return to God so religions that share that goal are respected in the eyes of the Catholic Church. The official statement (according to the great source, wikipedia) is, "the Catholic Church rejects nothing that is true and holy in these religions. She regards with sincere reverence those ways of conduct and of life, those precepts and teachings which, though differing in many aspects from the ones she holds and sets forth, nonetheless often reflect a ray of that Truth which enlightens all men." Basically the church said, yeah, we don't agree with you on the details but you have some truths. Which I guess struck me really strongly and I agreed with, until I realized that there were some details of the Catholic Church I didn't agree with, either. I think things like birth control are topics that a lot of Catholics may not agree with the church on, but they just sort of ignore it blaming it on the church's old-fashioned-ness and hierarchical nature, or they ignore it because they don't really care. (I know too many people who are just going through the motions.) Actually it kind of scared me when I was younger; would standing up and disagreeing saying, "no, I definitely don't agree with you on that" get me kicked out of the Church? (Not the church, but the Church.) Just because I was applying my beliefs to my actions, would I be punished, while people who agreed with me and chose to go through the motions be perfectly okay? I never really got an answer on that but I'm under the understanding that it takes a whole heckuva lot to get yourself kicked out of the Catholic Church. What they say is that as long as you hold the same beliefs, you are a Catholic, for ever and ever and ever, even if you stop going to church. In the sense that, should you stop going to mass and die and get to Heaven and God says, "why did you stop going to Church? It's important for these reasons" and you udnerstand him, you can be sorry for what you did and be forgiven and you not going to mass doesn't mean you're now non-Catholic pagan who's going straight to hell. (This is getting really complicated. But honestly, the Catholic Church is really complicated and I'm only providing a detailed explanation because what you say makes more sense if you can back it up.) ANYHOW. I don't know if I became famous (I'm reminded of the John Kerry incident here) if I would have to keep my mouth shut or what in order to still remain "Catholic," but until they actually kick me out of the Church (which I don't think they ended up doing to Kerry) I'll keep saying I'm Catholic because that's what they educated me with.
It's not 100% Catholicism anymore, though, but I couldn't say what it is. I believe that abortions are bad and cruel and inhumane, but I also believe that I have no right to choose what someone else does with their body. I trust in science but I don't not believe in God, in fact I still pray (though not much in the traditional sense, I suppose, more of an open thought-dialogue), and I don't believe that whatever God there may be is necessarily the Christian one. I suppose it's some sort of agnosticism, but I don't like applying that term because people assume the meaning of atheist and it's difficult to get a dialogue going. (Perhaps it seems conniving or political to continue to call myself Catholic rather than agnostic? Perhaps, but I maintain that it's the truth, and the need for clarification and honesty is what's prompting me to explain all this. I'm not trying to hide anything.) The only big thing I can think of at the moment that I have a problem with is going to mass. It does nothing for me except take an hour out of my day and give me time to enjoy some singing. I try time and time again to get something out of it, but really it's not worth anything to me. What I've learned from the Bible I've learned in school, and I learned it a lot better.
Haha, shit, I never got to the part about my dad. My dad goes to mass regularly, but the most I've heard him say about his beliefs in relation to creating and living in a good, peaceful world is that Jesus came and said, you know, the little details don't really matter as much as you think they do (like the pork rules or what constituted activity on the day of rest, which sociologically were good rules but got taken to religious extremes because they were put under the umbrella of religion but OMG now we're getting into the complicated matters of history and anthropology), can't we all just be nice to eachother? And I honestly think people worry too much about the details (which I suppose is ironic coming from the mouth of someone who plans and worries over the details of everything else) and forget to try to be nice to eachother.
Anthropologically our brains use labels so we can learn, so everything isn't new. For example if you stick your hand in the fire you learn it's hot, and our brains work to assume that all fire is hot. However this works against us, sometimes, such as stereotype profiling. A stereotype may be perfectly correct but it does not mean that it's right nor that the person you're applying it to is definitively within that stereotype.
Ohmygod this is going to be the longest post ever.
I suppose it all seems to be a rather bold statement when it's all condensed like this, but this is about eight years of education and philosophy and learning-about-religions-and-their-beliefs that has got me here. A lot of faith and a lot of science, as well. I don't know, is this starting to make logical sense to you guys? Have I skipped some crucial piece along the way? Hm. Anyhow, that's what I believe, in a nutshell of sorts. There's a lot more to it that relates to the sort of person I am, which is where I'm going with this out of the need to know who I am. Er, perhaps define rather than "know." I know who I am, you just go through life trying to define it so others can understand it.
I don't believe in hypocrisy. I believe in looking at who you are and what you are to find the truth, and where there is hypocrisy there isn't truth. However I believe you are prefectly justified in changing your mind because you learned something. At the same time that I don't believe in hypocrisy, I believe that you can have different attitudes with different people as long as they don't contradict. For example; I can be rowdy with my friends and curse up a storm because curse words mean nothing to me, they don't hurt me in any way. But I can turn around and not curse in front of my family, because I know that they would find it offensive and I respect their views on that, so I don't curse around them. Is that hypocritical? I don't think so. It's different, but different doesn't necessarily mean it has to disagree.
I think that's a big problem in today's world is that people automatically assume that different is wrong, and I've spent my whole life (seriously, I had some interesting experiences in gradeschool) trying to show other people that that's wrong.
WHICH brings me back to whatever my Lenten promise is going to be. Yes, I suppose it's a bit "going through the motions" but I'm doing it consciously (I'm not trying to fake that I'm a 100% Catholic) and I'm not really doing it for the sake of being Lent so much as finally inspired for this year.
My whole...deal...whatever it is, is to be true to who I am. I've felt so lost and so mellow for so long that I can't stand it anymore. Yeah, maybe I'm wrong about what I believe, but I can't sit back anymore and say, well, maybe I'm this. I have to take a stand, and if I need to learn that I was wrong I am more than willing to say it. I need to be free from being afraid. This year, I decided, is going to be about changing what I need to change to be myself. It's one reason I'm in Hawaii; to get away from what was stifling me, namely trying to be the person everyone knew I was and engineering.
Honestly, I love designing, but that much engineering is crushing my soul.
So, in the past week, I decided. I'm going to speak up for what I am now, because I know. For the past few years I've been nervous when I'm alone, not because I hate being alone (quite the opposite really, there's some good gradeschool stories for that, too), but what I realized the other day is because I can't stand people judging me. When you're alone people assume you're a loser or a loner and that's not the case, but somehow the fact that realizing outright why sitting alone in a crowded lunch room was uncomfortable has given me some sort of freedom to see how ignorant other people can be and to not give a flying fuck. It's a slow battle to be won, but I'm sure I'll slowly be getting better at it. It's the sort of New Years Resolutions things I have to do; I have to break out of my comfort zone and stop being afraid. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm afraid of, but I've always tried to slip by unnoticed so I wouldn't be judged. I think this stems from the fact that I've been subject to so much judgement-with-disrespect (see: teasing) about certain things that I've done whatever I can to avoid it. But this sort of awakening I think has shown me that it really is much more localized than I thought and that I need to be me more than I have been.
However, this brings up a lot of issues about egotism. Apparently (as I learned today in ceramics during our Marianist culture lecture), one of the worst sins in the Catholic Church is to hold yourself above someone else. Which I agree with, yet at the same time I don't. Have you ever read The Fountainhead? That's where this question first started bothering me. Yes, you shouldn't hold yourself above someone else for the sake of bringing them down. But if you don't have teachers who admit they are better than their students, how will the students ever learn? Along the lines of Socratic knowledge, you have to have an ego enough to know who you are. Maybe some people don't have to know who they are, exactly, they're content with being a product of marketing and blasé design. But I know that I have to know who I am, and I firmly believe the world would be a much better place if people started thinking for themselves, really studying their actions and thoughts. I wonder if it's like the difference between introverts and extroverts; I am so introverted that I cannot possibly understand how extroverts get by without so many worries; it frustrates me that I can't comprehend it. Is it the same that there are people with no need to define themselves? I don't think so, but it would be interesting (though probably upsetting) to be proven wrong.
Which all leads to my new resolve. Upon rediscovering, recovering, whatevering what I need to be to live, really live, I have to bend to my ego more. Which is a very precarious situation. It seems as though if I want to be me, I have be an asshole. Self-centered survival of the fittest and all that jazz. So the question is, do I be an asshole, or is there really any benefit I'm getting out of being mellow to everyone? I don't think there is, anymore. I just think I need to be more open with people and be willing to explain the way I define things socially. Yeah, it's difficult to change the way people think and interact but I think if I'm going to survive it's going to have to be done. I have always, ALWAYS been able to respect and care for people while at the same time being annoyed by them or disliking so many of their actions. I don't know why I've been that way, I just know that I have. And because of that, I feel bad talking about someone behind their back when I need to vent. That and a sense of honesty (and hate for hypocrisy) have led me to this social design; people need to start respecting eachother, even when they're angry. We need to be able to tell someone what they've been doing is wrong or annoying and not have people get angry, but rather accept that they COULD be wrong and look into it. If it really is such a big deal, then people can stop hanging out but it doesn't involve all this pointless and idiotic drama that happens in today's world.
Uh, from now on this means I'm going to cally you on being an idiot. ;P But understand I don't mean it on a name-calling level, but on a "here's a weak spot" way to better yourself. And I mean, feel free to call me on those, too. I'll generally go about it in the same (if a bit more confident) polite manner, I'm not out to make enemies or anything.
SO! With all this self discovery, what about New Year's Resolutions and Lent observation? I'm going to exercise more, to stay healthy. I'm going to try to break out of my scared-barrier, and do things I would normally being uncomfortable with. (I got up and went to the Surf Club meeting today, and I want to learn to skateboard this summer. I want to give blood finally, too. I haven't decided if going with my roommies to a club is something I'm afraid of, or if it's just something that's really not me. The latter seems more likely, as I don't dance in the conventional sense [and by that I mean grind] and don't drink. So it's doubtful unless it's a club where people are not only prone to dancing but having intelligent discussions as well.)
AND! I'm going to begin the LJ Audit 2008. =D I will inaugurate it with a new icon, if I can find someone to make it (feel free to make suggestions). As a part of that I will go through and comment on or edit where necessary all my older posts. I will organize my tags and my userinfo as well. Speaking of, feel free to suggest the longest meme-quizzes you know! I'd like to make a "Who am I?" sort of post I can link to for my userinfo, so the more questions there are, the better.
I think it's good to see I'm on the right track for getting away from what I was. Just coming to Hawaii I'd already changed my userinfo and journal subheading. And also trying to write more this year, I think this is a good starting point, seeing as I have a WHOLE ASSLOAD of more everyday stuff that's been piling up that I need to write about. I think my writing is more philosophical than creative--stories just don't come to me so much as objects do. I am a spatial thinker, I think that's part of it. So if anyone has lots of plot bunnies and is not a good putting-them-together person? I'm your man. =D
I think there's something to be said for the Aloha spirit. As my ceramics prof was talking about today, people here (both Chaminade and Hawaii) look at diversity as a good thing, a learning opportunity and a chance to broaden your opinions. People in Dayton (just UD, I don't know) are very nice, I mean there is a strong sense of community. But there is something different here--to me it is most definitely the Aloha spirit--that you can't understand unless you've been here. And I think the world would benefit to learn from it; it's sort of how I've lived my life already (what with the respecting everyone and whatnot).
Yeah, things get complicated and there are a million more details I could write to fill in the cracks. But I think I've done a good enough job for now so feel free to leave me meme-quizzes and icon-maker suggestions if you have any. =^n.n^=
Thoughts and questions and comments are always accepted as well, of course.
OH! Also in honor of all the resurgence of good feelings and whatever, this might as well be my anthem (I felt good listening to it again):
Ironically enough I think they may be a Christian rock band
Lyrics for the curious:
Here's the plan, I think I got it made;
life is easy when you're sitting in the shade.
Not too hot, not too cold, I think that's what I'll be.
Now I'm nervous and I've come undone,
my head is spinning like the Earth around the Sun,
I feel you drawing me away from my complacency.
I think I'm ready to go,
won't stop 'til
everybody knows.
This is the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive.
Don't have time to wait,
activate, activate...
There is a world out there in need,
now is the time for you and me.
Before it gets too late,
activate, activate...
Make a move, 'cause talk is really cheap;
you'll never start a revolution in your sleep.
Showing love to everyone is what it's all about.
I think I'm ready to go,
don't stop 'til
everybody knows.
This is the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive.
Don't have time to wait,
activate, activate...
There is a world out there in need,
now is the time for you and me,
before it gets too late,
activate, activate...
One by one, everyone...
ACTIVATE!
This the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive...
This the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive,
don't have time to wait.
Activate, activate...
There is a world out there in need,
now is the time for you and me,
before it gets too late
activate, activate...
Activate, activate...
Activate, activate...
Activate, activate...
You know how you look at something long enough and it looks weird? "Activate" looks like it should be something latin-ish. Along the lines of "aqua vitae". (I know, what? Don't ask.)
So, honestly, with Lent you're supposed to give something up or try to better yourself in honor of God. And in light of this being Lent, and me not ever making my New Year's Resolutions post, and what I've relearned or reexperienced or remembered (tangent: can you just "member"?) in the past week, I think it's time to set some stuff down in stone (as it were). It feels dishonest to try to figure things out when what I'm figuring out clearly isn't what I used to think and to still define myself by what I was before.
Somehow in the past two years I got wrapped up in trying to find what I lost, that feeling of excitement of discovery and adventure (I suppose), and in the meantime I managed to let it slip through my fingers completely. I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but I've felt it a hundred times; since I got back this summer (which was an amazing experience), I've felt not myself. Utterly moreso than was "normal". I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but I do think I need to step up and redefine things.
Roughly Junior and Senior year of high school I figured out that I really, honestly, don't have a problem believing in God. For a while, thinking about "what is Heaven" really got to me and I was afraid I was losing my religion. I am still comfortable with there being a God, it's just a little more complicated. However, that comes later in the story. I'm not really sure how the change happened. Was it watching Pirates for the first time that about the same time Pastafarianism came around, and Pat and I thoroughly enjoyed pirate-ing it up and poking fun at things? I don't know. I really don't; I'm not a Pastafarian and although I can't take the creation story literally, I don't completely disrespect people's faith. I guess it's all a bit difficult to explain, so bear with me. I promise I'll get all the points down before I hit "post." ;)
I don't believe things literally that aren't founded and backed and everything, but I'm not saying they're not true. There just isn't any proof (enough for me) that one religion is exclusively 100% true while the others are "pagan" and 100% false. (I don't even think that's the right way to think about it, but I think most people are raised to because they take religion at face value and don't look at any deeper aspects.) However, I have a deep respect for the good they may do (this interestingly can be demonstrated in relation to Christianity and the "monkeysphere" idea which I find fascinating) and the truths they do hold. I guess it's more of a philosophical outlook but I am a logical being (meaning it's not how I've chosen to be, but what I am and have been), so there's nothing I can do about that.
I remember realizing a long time ago that, no matter what you believe, you're going to have to take something on faith. If you're religious then maybe it's that God created the world, if you're scientific maybe it's that the Big Bang happened and there's been enough chaos/random occurrences (as my stats professor says, most anything has a chance of happening at least once) to end up with that we have today. But through Catholicism I've learned that neither has to be mutually exclusive, which I suppose got me thinking; couldn't many religions be not mutually exclusive if we could look for their truths and not the "unimportant" (so to speak) details? I think that sort of thought came from my dad and from learning about Pope John Paul II. (Upon research, it's more the Second Vatican Council the statement came from, but JP2 definitely worked for peace and religioius understanding which is why I associate it with him.) Basically, the Vatican II statement was made that the final goal of all people is to return to God so religions that share that goal are respected in the eyes of the Catholic Church. The official statement (according to the great source, wikipedia) is, "the Catholic Church rejects nothing that is true and holy in these religions. She regards with sincere reverence those ways of conduct and of life, those precepts and teachings which, though differing in many aspects from the ones she holds and sets forth, nonetheless often reflect a ray of that Truth which enlightens all men." Basically the church said, yeah, we don't agree with you on the details but you have some truths. Which I guess struck me really strongly and I agreed with, until I realized that there were some details of the Catholic Church I didn't agree with, either. I think things like birth control are topics that a lot of Catholics may not agree with the church on, but they just sort of ignore it blaming it on the church's old-fashioned-ness and hierarchical nature, or they ignore it because they don't really care. (I know too many people who are just going through the motions.) Actually it kind of scared me when I was younger; would standing up and disagreeing saying, "no, I definitely don't agree with you on that" get me kicked out of the Church? (Not the church, but the Church.) Just because I was applying my beliefs to my actions, would I be punished, while people who agreed with me and chose to go through the motions be perfectly okay? I never really got an answer on that but I'm under the understanding that it takes a whole heckuva lot to get yourself kicked out of the Catholic Church. What they say is that as long as you hold the same beliefs, you are a Catholic, for ever and ever and ever, even if you stop going to church. In the sense that, should you stop going to mass and die and get to Heaven and God says, "why did you stop going to Church? It's important for these reasons" and you udnerstand him, you can be sorry for what you did and be forgiven and you not going to mass doesn't mean you're now non-Catholic pagan who's going straight to hell. (This is getting really complicated. But honestly, the Catholic Church is really complicated and I'm only providing a detailed explanation because what you say makes more sense if you can back it up.) ANYHOW. I don't know if I became famous (I'm reminded of the John Kerry incident here) if I would have to keep my mouth shut or what in order to still remain "Catholic," but until they actually kick me out of the Church (which I don't think they ended up doing to Kerry) I'll keep saying I'm Catholic because that's what they educated me with.
It's not 100% Catholicism anymore, though, but I couldn't say what it is. I believe that abortions are bad and cruel and inhumane, but I also believe that I have no right to choose what someone else does with their body. I trust in science but I don't not believe in God, in fact I still pray (though not much in the traditional sense, I suppose, more of an open thought-dialogue), and I don't believe that whatever God there may be is necessarily the Christian one. I suppose it's some sort of agnosticism, but I don't like applying that term because people assume the meaning of atheist and it's difficult to get a dialogue going. (Perhaps it seems conniving or political to continue to call myself Catholic rather than agnostic? Perhaps, but I maintain that it's the truth, and the need for clarification and honesty is what's prompting me to explain all this. I'm not trying to hide anything.) The only big thing I can think of at the moment that I have a problem with is going to mass. It does nothing for me except take an hour out of my day and give me time to enjoy some singing. I try time and time again to get something out of it, but really it's not worth anything to me. What I've learned from the Bible I've learned in school, and I learned it a lot better.
Haha, shit, I never got to the part about my dad. My dad goes to mass regularly, but the most I've heard him say about his beliefs in relation to creating and living in a good, peaceful world is that Jesus came and said, you know, the little details don't really matter as much as you think they do (like the pork rules or what constituted activity on the day of rest, which sociologically were good rules but got taken to religious extremes because they were put under the umbrella of religion but OMG now we're getting into the complicated matters of history and anthropology), can't we all just be nice to eachother? And I honestly think people worry too much about the details (which I suppose is ironic coming from the mouth of someone who plans and worries over the details of everything else) and forget to try to be nice to eachother.
Anthropologically our brains use labels so we can learn, so everything isn't new. For example if you stick your hand in the fire you learn it's hot, and our brains work to assume that all fire is hot. However this works against us, sometimes, such as stereotype profiling. A stereotype may be perfectly correct but it does not mean that it's right nor that the person you're applying it to is definitively within that stereotype.
Ohmygod this is going to be the longest post ever.
I suppose it all seems to be a rather bold statement when it's all condensed like this, but this is about eight years of education and philosophy and learning-about-religions-and-their-beliefs that has got me here. A lot of faith and a lot of science, as well. I don't know, is this starting to make logical sense to you guys? Have I skipped some crucial piece along the way? Hm. Anyhow, that's what I believe, in a nutshell of sorts. There's a lot more to it that relates to the sort of person I am, which is where I'm going with this out of the need to know who I am. Er, perhaps define rather than "know." I know who I am, you just go through life trying to define it so others can understand it.
I don't believe in hypocrisy. I believe in looking at who you are and what you are to find the truth, and where there is hypocrisy there isn't truth. However I believe you are prefectly justified in changing your mind because you learned something. At the same time that I don't believe in hypocrisy, I believe that you can have different attitudes with different people as long as they don't contradict. For example; I can be rowdy with my friends and curse up a storm because curse words mean nothing to me, they don't hurt me in any way. But I can turn around and not curse in front of my family, because I know that they would find it offensive and I respect their views on that, so I don't curse around them. Is that hypocritical? I don't think so. It's different, but different doesn't necessarily mean it has to disagree.
I think that's a big problem in today's world is that people automatically assume that different is wrong, and I've spent my whole life (seriously, I had some interesting experiences in gradeschool) trying to show other people that that's wrong.
WHICH brings me back to whatever my Lenten promise is going to be. Yes, I suppose it's a bit "going through the motions" but I'm doing it consciously (I'm not trying to fake that I'm a 100% Catholic) and I'm not really doing it for the sake of being Lent so much as finally inspired for this year.
My whole...deal...whatever it is, is to be true to who I am. I've felt so lost and so mellow for so long that I can't stand it anymore. Yeah, maybe I'm wrong about what I believe, but I can't sit back anymore and say, well, maybe I'm this. I have to take a stand, and if I need to learn that I was wrong I am more than willing to say it. I need to be free from being afraid. This year, I decided, is going to be about changing what I need to change to be myself. It's one reason I'm in Hawaii; to get away from what was stifling me, namely trying to be the person everyone knew I was and engineering.
Honestly, I love designing, but that much engineering is crushing my soul.
So, in the past week, I decided. I'm going to speak up for what I am now, because I know. For the past few years I've been nervous when I'm alone, not because I hate being alone (quite the opposite really, there's some good gradeschool stories for that, too), but what I realized the other day is because I can't stand people judging me. When you're alone people assume you're a loser or a loner and that's not the case, but somehow the fact that realizing outright why sitting alone in a crowded lunch room was uncomfortable has given me some sort of freedom to see how ignorant other people can be and to not give a flying fuck. It's a slow battle to be won, but I'm sure I'll slowly be getting better at it. It's the sort of New Years Resolutions things I have to do; I have to break out of my comfort zone and stop being afraid. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm afraid of, but I've always tried to slip by unnoticed so I wouldn't be judged. I think this stems from the fact that I've been subject to so much judgement-with-disrespect (see: teasing) about certain things that I've done whatever I can to avoid it. But this sort of awakening I think has shown me that it really is much more localized than I thought and that I need to be me more than I have been.
However, this brings up a lot of issues about egotism. Apparently (as I learned today in ceramics during our Marianist culture lecture), one of the worst sins in the Catholic Church is to hold yourself above someone else. Which I agree with, yet at the same time I don't. Have you ever read The Fountainhead? That's where this question first started bothering me. Yes, you shouldn't hold yourself above someone else for the sake of bringing them down. But if you don't have teachers who admit they are better than their students, how will the students ever learn? Along the lines of Socratic knowledge, you have to have an ego enough to know who you are. Maybe some people don't have to know who they are, exactly, they're content with being a product of marketing and blasé design. But I know that I have to know who I am, and I firmly believe the world would be a much better place if people started thinking for themselves, really studying their actions and thoughts. I wonder if it's like the difference between introverts and extroverts; I am so introverted that I cannot possibly understand how extroverts get by without so many worries; it frustrates me that I can't comprehend it. Is it the same that there are people with no need to define themselves? I don't think so, but it would be interesting (though probably upsetting) to be proven wrong.
Which all leads to my new resolve. Upon rediscovering, recovering, whatevering what I need to be to live, really live, I have to bend to my ego more. Which is a very precarious situation. It seems as though if I want to be me, I have be an asshole. Self-centered survival of the fittest and all that jazz. So the question is, do I be an asshole, or is there really any benefit I'm getting out of being mellow to everyone? I don't think there is, anymore. I just think I need to be more open with people and be willing to explain the way I define things socially. Yeah, it's difficult to change the way people think and interact but I think if I'm going to survive it's going to have to be done. I have always, ALWAYS been able to respect and care for people while at the same time being annoyed by them or disliking so many of their actions. I don't know why I've been that way, I just know that I have. And because of that, I feel bad talking about someone behind their back when I need to vent. That and a sense of honesty (and hate for hypocrisy) have led me to this social design; people need to start respecting eachother, even when they're angry. We need to be able to tell someone what they've been doing is wrong or annoying and not have people get angry, but rather accept that they COULD be wrong and look into it. If it really is such a big deal, then people can stop hanging out but it doesn't involve all this pointless and idiotic drama that happens in today's world.
Uh, from now on this means I'm going to cally you on being an idiot. ;P But understand I don't mean it on a name-calling level, but on a "here's a weak spot" way to better yourself. And I mean, feel free to call me on those, too. I'll generally go about it in the same (if a bit more confident) polite manner, I'm not out to make enemies or anything.
SO! With all this self discovery, what about New Year's Resolutions and Lent observation? I'm going to exercise more, to stay healthy. I'm going to try to break out of my scared-barrier, and do things I would normally being uncomfortable with. (I got up and went to the Surf Club meeting today, and I want to learn to skateboard this summer. I want to give blood finally, too. I haven't decided if going with my roommies to a club is something I'm afraid of, or if it's just something that's really not me. The latter seems more likely, as I don't dance in the conventional sense [and by that I mean grind] and don't drink. So it's doubtful unless it's a club where people are not only prone to dancing but having intelligent discussions as well.)
AND! I'm going to begin the LJ Audit 2008. =D I will inaugurate it with a new icon, if I can find someone to make it (feel free to make suggestions). As a part of that I will go through and comment on or edit where necessary all my older posts. I will organize my tags and my userinfo as well. Speaking of, feel free to suggest the longest meme-quizzes you know! I'd like to make a "Who am I?" sort of post I can link to for my userinfo, so the more questions there are, the better.
I think it's good to see I'm on the right track for getting away from what I was. Just coming to Hawaii I'd already changed my userinfo and journal subheading. And also trying to write more this year, I think this is a good starting point, seeing as I have a WHOLE ASSLOAD of more everyday stuff that's been piling up that I need to write about. I think my writing is more philosophical than creative--stories just don't come to me so much as objects do. I am a spatial thinker, I think that's part of it. So if anyone has lots of plot bunnies and is not a good putting-them-together person? I'm your man. =D
I think there's something to be said for the Aloha spirit. As my ceramics prof was talking about today, people here (both Chaminade and Hawaii) look at diversity as a good thing, a learning opportunity and a chance to broaden your opinions. People in Dayton (just UD, I don't know) are very nice, I mean there is a strong sense of community. But there is something different here--to me it is most definitely the Aloha spirit--that you can't understand unless you've been here. And I think the world would benefit to learn from it; it's sort of how I've lived my life already (what with the respecting everyone and whatnot).
Yeah, things get complicated and there are a million more details I could write to fill in the cracks. But I think I've done a good enough job for now so feel free to leave me meme-quizzes and icon-maker suggestions if you have any. =^n.n^=
Thoughts and questions and comments are always accepted as well, of course.
OH! Also in honor of all the resurgence of good feelings and whatever, this might as well be my anthem (I felt good listening to it again):
Ironically enough I think they may be a Christian rock band
Lyrics for the curious:
Here's the plan, I think I got it made;
life is easy when you're sitting in the shade.
Not too hot, not too cold, I think that's what I'll be.
Now I'm nervous and I've come undone,
my head is spinning like the Earth around the Sun,
I feel you drawing me away from my complacency.
I think I'm ready to go,
won't stop 'til
everybody knows.
This is the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive.
Don't have time to wait,
activate, activate...
There is a world out there in need,
now is the time for you and me.
Before it gets too late,
activate, activate...
Make a move, 'cause talk is really cheap;
you'll never start a revolution in your sleep.
Showing love to everyone is what it's all about.
I think I'm ready to go,
don't stop 'til
everybody knows.
This is the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive.
Don't have time to wait,
activate, activate...
There is a world out there in need,
now is the time for you and me,
before it gets too late,
activate, activate...
One by one, everyone...
ACTIVATE!
This the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive...
This the purpose of my life,
this is the reason I'm alive,
don't have time to wait.
Activate, activate...
There is a world out there in need,
now is the time for you and me,
before it gets too late
activate, activate...
Activate, activate...
Activate, activate...
Activate, activate...
You know how you look at something long enough and it looks weird? "Activate" looks like it should be something latin-ish. Along the lines of "aqua vitae". (I know, what? Don't ask.)
Tags:
- 2008,
- activate,
- catholicism,
- college,
- egotism,
- emotions,
- hawaii,
- high school,
- lj,
- lj audit,
- me,
- music,
- religion,
- resolutions,
- school,
- science,
- songs,
- stellar kart,
- toughts,
- understanding
