The Daily Adventures of Mercat

Well my mom's cousin is getting put in hospice. =/ I feel really bad because she's taking it really hard and her aunt already lost her husband and one sister.

Anyway, I've been really tired and apathetic lately, and I really hate it. I don't know why... I just have no drive to do anything (not even read all my blogrolls or watch TV), including practice for camp. WHICH I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE TO HAVE ALL MY MUSIC MEMORIZED FOR. Lovely...

Here's the curious thing. I think I am a natural optimist, always have been. It balances well with being rather practical and everything, but I've actually started wondering how much it is perhaps brain chemical related. Can't remember if I talked about this before. Anyway, what started me thinking about this is that when I drink, I don't get any positive/relaxed feelings out of it, I just get sleepy. And then if I drink enough, a little unbalanced (physically, you know, inner ear and vision and muscle control) and a migraine. I think you may (or may not) get more out of me if you get me jacked up on Mountain Dew. Well, for one thing, it definitely cements in my mind that drunkenness is mental, particularly for all the folks that can hold their alcohol well, but I do have to wonder if perhaps I--chemically--have a higher propensity towards being happy. Because my mom even asked me, when I told her how I've felt today, if I was depressed (...were depressed? fuck this tense), and... I don't think so. At least not how I think of depression. When I think of depression I think of feeling like life is not worth living, and although I have felt all weekend like everything is pointless, I DO NOT (and never have, and have always thought I never will) want to die. That's always how I've been. Seriously, all those mortality tales you read in high school when they talk about how no one wants to live forever? I would. You could do everything! Learn everything! It would be awesome. ANYWAY.

Also, talked about some stuff in psychology about basic personality traits (O.C.E.A.N.) and discovered I am probably some level of neurotic (meaning, easily emotional). ADDITIONALLY, the way the prof talked about it, I probably am some mild to medium form of paranoid? Which is interesting, because now I want to know what level is normal (if any... my extent of knowledge of that consists of one of Slartibartfast's lines from the new Hitchhiker's movie, so, you know, nothing much).

AAAAAAANNYYYYWAAAAAYYY.

I did nothing this weekend. I beat Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings and did no homework and watched a bunch of movies, all because I had no drive to do anything and I completely forgot there were some things I should have done months ago and keep forgetting to do. THAT IS HAPPENING NEXT WEEK because I need to clear that off my schedule for fuck's sake. =/

( game spoilers if you care )


Mmmm... yeah. Gotta get to that homework. Fuckkkkkkkk.





Oh, P.S., beware in the future there will probably be a HUGE up-and-coming self-psychology post... You know, all the things that have been brewing in my head forever and I finally need to put down or something, hahahaha. Good times.

Sometimes I really wonder if I should have been a psychologist... =/

Hmm. Spent some time psychoanalyzing tonight, both dreams and how brains work. First of all I am fascinated with dreams, because I am fascinated with alternate worlds, and my dreams are so vibrantly other worlds. I try to collect them in the hopes one will inspire something I can publish, who knows. (That's one thing I want to do before I die, is write a book. Preferrably fiction. But that's not nearly as high on the list as having a library. Anyway, derail.) So, I'll probably come back to discuss it with you all later, or at least I'd love to. =) In the mean time you can read this: http://www.neilgaiman.com/journal/2007/05/nature-of-infection.html

What else now? Oh, thinking about me keeping things. For the sake of history, especially were someone to do a total biographical analysis of my life, I would love to save most everything. School papers and super detailed journal entries and whatnot, but I guess that's not how life goes. So I just try to keep the super-important things... only thing is I realized I have three boxes full of "hard copy" memories from high school. Meaning things I keep around to trigger certain memories. People tell me I have an amazing mind for abstract details. I would like to think they're right, as I've heard it forever, but I don't know if it's just that I keep the weird things and come across them so often enough to be able to recall them. But, I would really like to sit down one summer as a project and record all the associated thoughts, for history's sake.

Also, I wonder what denials, if any, I'll still have on my deathbed. =)

I promise I'm not trying to be morbid (I'm kind of insensitive to that), I'm just trying to go back that psychoanalyst part of me.

Off to dreamland now...