![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Because like I really would be doing something productive today, right?
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. (Wait, what?)
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
There's also one about the only perfect football team ever, but I don't remember enough about the joke nor about football. Oh well. 1970-something Miami Dolphins or someother? Meh.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. (Wait, what?)
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
There's also one about the only perfect football team ever, but I don't remember enough about the joke nor about football. Oh well. 1970-something Miami Dolphins or someother? Meh.
