I don't know what's going on anymore.

[mercat]

As hard as I try, I always feel like crap in the end. I don't know why it is this way... I try to be social outside my circle and I'm just left behind, left in the corner. I don't know if people are afraid of my morals, or what? I used to be able to sit alone and think for hours and never be bored. I can't do that anymore. What happened with my mind? I know part of it this year is just that it seems like there is no Christmas for me. We didn't go around to gradeschools. My house isn't decorated. We're not doing gifts. We're going to be in Hawaii. As awesome as Hawaii is, I'd rather be home. It's CHRISTMAS. Christmas is an integral part of who I am. This is my second year of no Christmas in a row-- last year my grandma died, and it was just depressing. I know all those things seem more like Giftmas than Christmas, but it's the frame of mind. All I fee right now is guilt for not supporting Heifer International or anything... I don't know. I just feel like crap.

So... I don't know, what's wrong with me? I don't expect you to answer, you can't. This is the tip of the iceberg. There's so much you'd have to know first and so much I don't want to tell. Not that I have huge dark secrets or anything, it's just THERE GOES MY PARANOIA AGAIN. I don't know. I'm so messed up. Maybe I'll get something done on vacation... I can actually take time to write in my journal.

I want a small laptop so I can type as fast as I think and get my thoughts down better. This is one of my greatest frustrations. =^n.n^=

Comments

[mercat.livejournal.com]

aww, thanks. =^n.n^= We should talk sometime.