The Daily Adventures of Mercat

I seem to have somehow done my amazing "crusing good, tank horribly" rollercoaster shit in the past 48-ish hours. Yesterday I just didn't care about anything. Not in a bad way, but in a "I feel like I'm letting go of things and maybe taking some steps forward" way. And today I'm just frustrated. I found out yesterday, after paying my rent and my credit card bill, that I am functionally broke. Whatever I had saved from working the past six-ish years is gone, so I basically have no wiggle room.

And no time to work. But we'll come back to that.

Thankfully, my parents are paying for rent and food... However, they failed to account for the fact that food is HELLA EXPENSIVE here in Hawaii where they import literally almost everything.

I'm not shitting you, even pineapples.

In Hawaii.

Where there is the Dole Plantation.

ON THIS VERY ISLAND.

Anyway, before I left my mom had mentioned something about "well we'll see how it goes and maybe readjust after a little bit" but every time I bring it up she gets super judgmental, like I'm spending it on all on alcohol and fast food.

I can assure you, that is not the case. I haven't bought a single drink, the only eating out I've had is a couple days' lunch from the school center, and I learned yesterday after reevaluating my budget that I basically can't eat out at all! Or, you know, DO ANYTHING.

Need new shoes? Nope. Go see a movie? Nope.

For once, I don't need to buy books, because my mom keeps shipping me mine from home. Hopefully she doesn't send me too many more, I already have an entire shelf-full, and considering I'm functionally living out of two suitcases that's a bit much. The ironic part of this? I still have a Barnes and Noble gift card from Christmas.

Luckily I don't have to be spending money on a car, but at the same time, not having money on top of not having a car just exacerbates my problem of feeling trapped here. Not on the island, but by my situation.

I need a new bike seat. "Need" because the one that came with the bike is SO SHITTILY DESIGNED. It curves a ton, which is nice if you're dicking around the block like a five-year old, but god forbid you need to commute with a backpack on your back! I have the nose turned down a SHIT TON already, and the fact that the back of the seat is curved up even more pushes you forward into the dipped center-- why would you design that on a bike seat-- so now you are not sitting on your butt bones but more on your crotch area and just FUCK YOU, SEAT DESIGNERS.

But I didn't go to the bike store, you know why? Because it is five miles away, on the other side of Honolulu, and even though it's only five miles it is through the city which is just terrible on bike. It makes me feel like I'm driving through Chicago. (They really need better bike roads here.) And I don't have the money to spend on what I would like to spend it on, which is 1) a new bike seat, 2) a second water bottle cage and bottle, and 3) a Longboard Lager jersey which is DEFS not happening because they are $75. Oh and also 4) a waterproof stem mount bag so I can stick my phone in there and use it as an odometer. I'd kinda like to buy a pair of cleats and some clips for my pedals, but right now that is a far-off dream. And I didn't feel like it was worth riding a half hour through traffic on rides I don't know with terrible drivers to the nearly-industrial part of town so I can sit in a shop for an hour while they give me a check-up on my bike and I feel guilty for buying things I need or want.

Anyway. So not going anywhere just exacerbates my feeling trapped, but I don't have the money to go see anything and it's kinda hard to go anywhere around here without a car. And I don't exactly have any people to just hop on the bus with and go to Chinatown or anything, because last time we tried that... OH THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYONE CRAPPED OUT ON ME. (Okay, not technically the last time, last time only half the people crapped out on us. But statistically that is 75% failure rate.)

And on top of that! The whole time I was at home I was talking about working at the zoo (trying to get in contact with someone there, it is RIGHT DOWN THE HILL IT WOULD BE PERFECT) and such, and mom was saying "oh, you probably won't have time for a job, most grad students are expected to be working on classes like a full time job". Now here we are, I could dip into my savings but I'm trying not to because I need that to pay for school, I'm eating whatever's on sale and probably not getting enough fruits and veggies, and my mom asks me why I'm not working. AUGH. Maybe because I spend more time in the studio in the week than I likely ever spent on homework for a single engineering class for a year?! And I am exaggerating very little. In the past three weeks I spent two entire weekends in the studio.

You know what we've also found out more of this week? Using the plotter is a $5 print job per page. Using the laser cutter is $2+ $1 per minute. So on top of the fact that the school doesn't have any student software licenses, we have to buy all our own modeling materials, AND PAY FOR ALL THE PRINTERS AND SHOP TOOLS PER USE. I understand you don't want kids in there abusing the 3D printer or hogging the laser cutter. BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT AM I PAYING YOU $14000+ A SEMESTER FOR IF I AM ALSO BUYING ALL MY OWN MEDIA?!

Speaking of which? I have to go to the bookstore tomorrow, and the craft store over the weekend, for guess what-- you guessed it-- MORE SUPPLIES! Meanwhile my checking account reads zero.

I think the part that's killing me the most that is on top of everything else, I would just like to go on a bike ride to train for TOSRV one weekend day, or ride down to the beach and swim and sit there for a few hours. Hasn't happened yet. Don't know how I'm going to train for TOSRV this way, all I can do right now is force myself to work as hard as I can to get up the hills on the way home.

Which, today, on the longest and steepest hill, I accidentally pulled out in front of a full-length fire truck thinking it was The Bus which would turn on the route rather than go up the hill. NOPE! So that was a little terrifying having them barrelling down on me while I tried to ride as quickly as I could...

So. My goals currently. See if I can find a part-time job that I can actually travel to. This is difficult because I don't really trust riding my bike or the bus at night, and I have to be working in the studio so many hours a day. Find a cheaper grocery store? I would love to find an Aldi-equivalent. I can't seem to find any coupons for any of the things I buy, and even though I'm a "club member" and I'm supposed to be saving, I really don't see much benefit currently. And I am trying, beyond all belief, to not just go to Walmart. One, it's downtown anyway so travel would be a hassle, but two, it's Walmart. Lastly, scholarships. Gotta find some. Found out today that architecture ones are unlikely considering that, apparently, white girls are the largest percentage of architecture students. But come on, there has to be an engineering/design one out there somewhere! Female engineers are one of the lower statistical groups! FUUUCCKKK

On the plus side of things, I shot off an email to the guy in the themed design group I'm in who sends out all the newsletters and things, asking him if there was anyone (around the offices) who could help me look for internships. Right away he asked what I did, and then I didn't hear back from him for a week. I asked if he had any ideas of people to contact, thinking there might be someone who was a membership person who could point me in the right direction. Turns out he sent out emails to different people and is trying to find someone who might take an intern/co-op. And then TWO I accidentally realized today he's like one of the top group member-people, and I'm a little embarrassed. I'm also a little uneasy because it's more out of my control-- I don't ask people about internships so I don't get any of the no's along with any possible leads, so I have no idea where the situation stands. I didn't know he was going to be doing the asking for me, so I should have told him more than just "engineering and architecture", but I figured he was busy and I should keep it as short as possible and that I could set up more of a sales pitch later on down the line when I emailed companies-- so hopefully I don't end up with a strictly-ride-engineering firm co-op, although that would still be fascinating I am sure. (Just not the kind of design I'd like to go into, I think.) ON THE OTHER HAND, when you have a big gun sending out emails to companies asking for internships and co-ops?! Hopefully that plays to my advantage, that he can catch the eye of someone really good who will give me a chance.

However now I am super-nervous because I don't know how long to wait to expect to hear back from anyone and I definitely don't want to bombard him with questions as he is very, very busy.

Regardless, I will be mailing him a thank-you note, because holy shit. I did not expect him to send out notes. I just expected, like, a "here's some potential companies that are members, shoot them a line" type email.

Ffffuuuucccckkkkkk my life right now augh

Off to camp. I need a break, not this. I've been working straight for about three days, and here I am off to do just that again... Ugh. I'm exhausted.

Hahaaaaaa fuck. So my MW am class changed classrooms, and NO ONE TOLD ME. So I showed up early (about five minutes, which is normal for me) and no one was there. I waited. No one continued to show up. Great. I walked out in the hall and made sure I was in the right classroom... Yes. Waited a few more minutes, texted Geoff (who's in most of my classes this semester), and walked home. The only reason I'm upset is that we were supposed to have a quiz today, AND the professor actually takes attendance, and I don't want me not getting an email to count against me twice in my grades. Fucking hell.

Other than that hour of stress, I'm in pretty much the same mood I was last night. Bah.

Blaaaaaaaaargh. Wow, it's been a busy week. To sum up how mentally exhausted I've been: I had a super-stressful test this morning and it didn't go too badly, so I just told myself since I've been so busy with Hopewalk that I just needed to forget about it, since I had nothing to do in my other two classes for the rest of the day (had tests in those Wednesday)... To the extent that I did. I saw one of my friends at lunch and I was like "Hey! So how'd that test go yesterday?" and she just looked at me. "Diane... That was this morning."

OMG IT WAS. Damn... Next week's only going to be WORSE, too! Ugh, yay.

And you know how busy I've been not getting my fill of (important) news? I missed the fact that EOIN COLFER IS WRITING A NEW HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE BOOK.

NO.

I don't care if Adams' widow asked him to write it (which, by the way, I and everyone I've talked about Artemis Fowl [for the record, I love those books] with thought Colfer was a girl. SO YEAH, ABOUT THAT). Hitchhiker's Guide is pretty much all about Adams' completely bizarre sense of humor. I don't care if it's a decent book! THAT IS NOT THE POINT, I'm sure it's not going to be horrendous. (Well, it could be.) I can't decide what's worse, a decent book that a good amount of people would buy, or a terrible one that no one wants but is still kind of a black mark on Adams' collection. I don't know, I just hate sequels written by the not-original authors/writers.

And yes, come bitch to me about how Adams was rewriting his last book anyway! I KNOW. (P.S., Salmon of Doubt was already the next book even though Dirk Gently was in it.)


Just UUUUUUUGH. Hitchhiker's Guide is one of those things where it's just very very awesome and the fandom is by far NOT CRAZY. And I feel like this is just all around baaaaaad neeeews. Godfuckingdamnit.

I think I'm going to have to not buy it, even if it's not bad. It's a matter of Adams' perspective versus other peoples', and I swear to god if this book even gets some lovey-dovey crappy ending with some real moral or something then NO. Adams wrote a bit happier ending for the movie to make up for the ending of the last book (by which I mean the fifth complete one, not Salmon of Doubt), but it was not moralistic or any crap like that. Which honestly really would be the worst worst thing that would happen I think.

But even so, my original thoughts stand and it's good to see other people agree with me and had the same inital thought; if anyone should do it, it should be Neil Gaiman (did you read American Gods yet? seriously), and he's both too busy and too respectful and maybe a little too dark for the part. WHICH I RESPECT AND ADMIRE HIM FOR.

PLEASE NO, EOIN COLFER


Arrrrgh.





So in other news! Southwind's not fielding next year and I now have really *no idea* where to go. Here's my thoughts, and the problem is they're all about balanced in terms of pros and cons. Auuurrrrgghhh.

Troopers: Pros- fun, not stuck up, have a good rep; Cons- flying out to Wyoming once a month, might have an immature group like Southwind was and they were as well.

Crown: Pros- love their music, they're doing really well, and they're really entertaining; Cons- hate their visuals, they might be a stuck-up crowd like PR was.

Glassmen: Pros- local, enjoyable shows; Cons- Carl marched there and might again if he doesn't make Cavvies, Sou taught there for like a month and Sheski made 2nd (and Westy auditioned and didn't make it), I'm not sold on their visuals.

Bluecoats: Pros- good visuals, good music, badass unis; Cons- rep for rowdy behavior, ugly helmets, potential for voice-over.

Vanguard: Pros- good music, good visuals; Cons- flying out to Cali once a month, Sou was a wannabe fanboy for them, and I probably wouldn't even make their junior corps.

Blue Stars: Pros- ...They're from Indianapolis?; Cons- Caleb is a douche, their visuals suck, and so do their uniforms (despite new shoes/pants, oops!).


Yeah, so... literally no idea what I want to do. It's just frustrating all around, blech. And I need to decide *soon*. The ideal thing would be that Madison Scouts would decide to do another Carmen-like show and need a girl to play brass and I would be RIGHT THERE. (Although as long as they let me do the whole show, I didn't really like that they had Carmen only do the middle part. I mean, I know, story-wise, she shows up late for dramatic effect and then dies, but I could not just spend 2/3 of my time not working at a show.) But PFFT like that would fucking happen.

Also, what happens if I decide I like it where I am and Southwind comes back the year after? Yeah. FUCK ALL OF THIS. Why couldn't people appreciate SW for what it was more? I fucking hate all the bandos who are like "OMG I EFFING LOVE CAVVIES" no you don't. Fuck off.

God, I have like a million things I need to post about because I've been so damn busy. BUT tomorrow is the "WTF are you wearing?!" party and I am SO FUCKING PSYCHED because it means I get to whip out THE GAUNTLETS. Oh yes.

And my bowler. I AM SO PSYCHED! (I would let Candice wear my bowler because I trust her with it, and then me wear my fed, but I do not trust anybody at that party to not mess up my fed EVEN IF I'M WEARING IT. Sorry, not doing that to my super-most-prized possession.)


...I need to go find uke tabs for 1000 Miles because it would be fuuuuun. I think I might start keeping track of my uke tabs for songs I know on here just for my own reference and in case the site I use (mostly Ukulele Boogaloo) goes down, as it hasn't been updated in over a year.

[EDIT] According to Yahoo's article, Colfer has been writing this in his head for a while and then got Adams' widow's blessing to do it. SO I'M JUST GOING TO SAY ALL-OUT NO, MM-KAY?

( the article because Yahoo likes to delete them )

[EDIT2] OMG THE NEW JAMES BOND THEME. PRETTY FUCKIN' BADASS

(Listen to it here around 55 minutes in; hard to believe this is the first duet in all these themes.)

A little weirder than I like, but it's got its awesome bits, namely the piano lick and the brass bits. :D Still think I like You Know My Name much better though. So it's... average. Not great, not awful, not gonna stick in my head though...

[EDIT3] I've been way too fucking busy this week/month to make much of an effort for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but I did go to Skyline. Happy Friday! (Also, I'm kind of a Heathen... which won't make sense to anyone on m f-list I don't think... It's a rather large and complicated inside joke.) But my dad did text me "Yarr!" this morning right after seven. Oh dad, I love you, you are so silly. He and I have very similar senses of humor and I love it.

Allright, midterm is here, and I'm wondering... is anyone else as stressed as I am?

1)I am sick. Or getting there. and I'm not getting enough sleep.
2)I had a test yesterday, a test this morning, a test tomorrow, a huge paper due Friday, plus my final EGR project and paperwork due tomorrow night by midnight, plus all my normal homework.
3)Marching band is not a stress, but it definitely adds to the stress of my schedule. Plus I DESPERATELY need to practice, especially if I am going to be trying out for Phantom in...a month and a half-ish...
4) I committed and turned in the paperwork for Phantom Regiment's registration a few nights ago... being the paranoid person I am, I am freaking the hell out, as my condition so dutifully notes in my profile.
5)I am trying, desperately, to do Art. I love Art. I will need Art to do an Art Minor. I want to have a wicked awesome Halloween costume. I am ready for Halloween. I am feeling weird Christmasy things already. Thanksgiving needs to stay the fuck away because that's audition weekend (but I love mashed potatoes and turkey). Getting up at 6:30 to work every morning is tiring. Plus staying up to study. Plus not studying enough so I get partially enough sleep to get over being sick. Plus other things. Plus it's alumni weekend and midterm break, so I have to work hard for alumni weekend and there are lots of awkward situations I'm freaking about that I don't have any control whatsoever over, and plus I'm going home but I will have tons of fuck-ass stupid homework, but then I will go shopping-mad on Tuesday for Halloween happy things, such as thrifting for costume parts, and drive my wonderful Parotthead-mobile again, dearhowImissyou. And I will listen to Buffett in the car, and wear my favorite t-shirt, and go watch the marhcing band practice after school on Tuesday. And the goddamn elevator is broken and people are rude. And there are many things I am tempted to buy online (costuming perfection!) but they are muy expensive and I feel bad when I spend a lot of money, even though I usually just hoard it (there is the green bottle, and the witch hat, and the REAL cutlass, and the many other things). And there is never enough time for art... and I have so many ideas but never enough time to write them down... Plus by body is being...ah...irregular. It is most confusing and at some times unpleasant. (IS 700% OF MY DAILY VITAMIN C, NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU, BODY? WTF!)

life=time
life=things to do
time - things to do=0
0= stress!

(all values are approximate)

All in all... there are many days I wish I could quit school and go do art. But I would hate myself for refusing education! I love to learn! I process information for my art, which I will be doing later on down the line... art minor and architecture, you seem sooooo far away...

But at least being fuck-ass busy keeps the time moving (quickest week ever!) and prevents me from thinking about any emotional thoughts that are not at ALL practical for me. Yes, I know, you need emotion, but PRACTICALITY, DAMMIT, these emotions use me up and throw me in a little ball in the corner when I could be getting so much more done! like I am this week.

Oh, crap, another to-do: pack for the weekend...

=^n.n^= That got quite extensive, my apologies.

The pros to this situation are certainly plentiful and I do love them a lot, they just seem soooooo far away compared to the cons at the moment. *le sigh*

As hard as I try, I always feel like crap in the end. I don't know why it is this way... I try to be social outside my circle and I'm just left behind, left in the corner. I don't know if people are afraid of my morals, or what? I used to be able to sit alone and think for hours and never be bored. I can't do that anymore. What happened with my mind? I know part of it this year is just that it seems like there is no Christmas for me. We didn't go around to gradeschools. My house isn't decorated. We're not doing gifts. We're going to be in Hawaii. As awesome as Hawaii is, I'd rather be home. It's CHRISTMAS. Christmas is an integral part of who I am. This is my second year of no Christmas in a row-- last year my grandma died, and it was just depressing. I know all those things seem more like Giftmas than Christmas, but it's the frame of mind. All I fee right now is guilt for not supporting Heifer International or anything... I don't know. I just feel like crap.

So... I don't know, what's wrong with me? I don't expect you to answer, you can't. This is the tip of the iceberg. There's so much you'd have to know first and so much I don't want to tell. Not that I have huge dark secrets or anything, it's just THERE GOES MY PARANOIA AGAIN. I don't know. I'm so messed up. Maybe I'll get something done on vacation... I can actually take time to write in my journal.

I want a small laptop so I can type as fast as I think and get my thoughts down better. This is one of my greatest frustrations. =^n.n^=

Due to the fact that many of my friends follow Xanga, I update there more than here, but often with pointless posts just adressing issues or the like. Anyway, just this once I'm going to copy my post over to this blog; it was long and important and I don't want to rewrite it, with all the issues I covered. So, here we go:
"Wow, you guys left a lot of comments lately. Haha. Aaanyway, I kind of realized I like my othe blog more than Xanga because Xanga's protected entries can only be for 10 friends if you have a free acount, and that sucks.

So. An update. Visited the gradeschools today. Tell ya what. Best part of my day was learning how to conduct 3 versus 2 (for those who don't get it, 3 on one hand, 2 on the other). Yeah, so... life is kind of teh suck right now. I mean, I'm not depressed or anything it's just that there have been a million better times in my life than what's oging on right now. Argh, Grapes of Wrath, you spite me so!

What would be really sweet (only a daydream here, folks, not actually going through with it... I have a lot of "ideas" like that) is to just run away and live out west survival style. I think I could do it. It'd be tougher at first, but I'm smart and eventually I'd settle into it and just be happy. I just want to wander around for the reat of my life, learning. I think that's what I do best. I don't necessarily need other people, I'm fairly individualistic. Oh, understatement of my life... Anyway. I just need to get away. Somehow. Problens plague me that I know I can handle, I just don't want to. I've had to deal with them a million times before and I know I'll get through but I'm ready for soemthing new.

Maybe go with Operation Courage, haha... yeah right. Anyway.

In less important news that makes me feel awfully ashamed and egotistical, I am very pissed at (a person). I PLAYED WITH MEAGHAN, I PLAYED WITH THE DR. BEAT, I PLAYED WITH EDGAR, AND YOU CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER I'M SLOW OR FAST?! DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE ONE THING THAT IS MUY RAPIDO IS THE DRUMLINE, THE ONE BEAT KEEPING DEVICE I WAS NOT WITH OUT OF FOUR?! IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT THEY'RE TOLD TO NOT WATCH MEAGHAN BECAUSE "THEY'RE THE BEAT KEEPERS"?

Yeah. I needed to rant. Sorry to any drumline peeps out there, I'm not really mad at you, just (a person). If you feel insulted talk to me, I'll give you a hug or advice or something (*coughadvice#1watchmeaghancough*). Anyway. Rant done. Needed to vent. I apologize again and again if you think I'm a pompous egotistical prat, but I suppose fair is fair.

Grrrrrr....just grrr...OH MY GOD TOMORROW WE'RE PLAYING BOLERO! w00t

I had some other good news somewhere but I forgot it... I'm going to write up the Diagnosis Murder Themesong tomorrow... I learned how to do a flag toss and drop spin today and might be in Winterguard if Sou decides that me being gone for WGI percussion finals would not merit me being in winter perc... Um... ugh. Just UGH. Just GAH and ARGH and FRUSTRATION and CAPTIALLETTERSZOMGANGST. I feel... restless. But it's coming out as frustration, and therefore lots of emotion and crying and ARGH.

Yeah, so I still can't remember that random good news I had. Hum. I miss some people, the perky people. There's so much DRAMA now. I wish everyone was more like... happy friendly in person and kept drama to themselves. (That includes PDA, and some other types of good drama... yeah, hold hands, hug, but not much more. Thanks.)

I think I'm going to keep typing until I come up with what I was going to say. argh, that's not going to happen. My two cats are killing eachother in the other room... just kidding. In other news, I'm going to steal Domer's cat Jazz (yay for me liking cats).

I need a good stress reducer... (or restlessness reducer? maybe it's just the moolatte I had, with choclate. talk about caffiene. Maybe that's why I'm jumpy.) other than telling people my problems... because I am always paranoid that they're going to tell someone and get them spread all over or start being stressed out themselves about my problem and more argh.

I WANT TO TRAVEL! I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING, SOMETHING BIG! I WANT TO TAKE ON A BIG PROJECT OF MY OWN... but I have all ideas and no time, and not enough people or ideas to help out *le sigh*

Why am I so stressed? What the frick happened to me? Why am I so... restless? argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, and more argh.

(Randomness: A cheetah (or leopard? whatev) can jump higher than a kangaroo.)

What's his name and his gaxillion RVs (oh...yeah, his name is Tom Raper.) is sending 200 RVs to areas affected by Katrina, full of supplies, for families to keep FOR FREE. Talk about generous! If only more HUMOUNGOUSLY RICH people did stuff like this all the time, the world owuld be such a much sweeter place! I mean... wow. That's so the shiz. (Yay! Shiz! Wicked! w00t! ...gotta get me some green opera gloves, and a black dress. Yes, strange. But I'm like that.)

Lastly, Westy, why do you have Laura's skirt... AT HOME? (Seriously, the joke was funny, but I didn't think you were actually going to take the skirt home.)

*awkward* =^n.n^="

Update: Stress level significantly down. YAY.
Uh... yeah not much happened today. More updates later. =^n.n^=

(Oh, Domer left me a note on my Xanga saying that afer I hung out with his cat for a good two hours [the DCI thing], the cat is not crazy anymore, and I am now "The Cat Whisperer." Just thought I'd share that nerdiness. Haha.)