big fish

Feb. 21st, 2008 09:39 pm
mercat: (Default)
Yeah, so... I was all ready to epic post and everything. I decided to watch Big Fish because my roommates hadn't seen it, and I completely didn't know that Ewan McGregor was in it and Tim Burton directed it, so I decided to watch it again.

Well, I remembered it was a sad story but I figured I knew the whole plot and everything so I would be fine... until I remembered that the last time I watched it was with Nana right before she died, when mom and I were living with her.

I dunno, I'm not homesick but I definitely miss hanging out with everyone back home. I figured out that what I miss most is "lunch at the band table" (so to speak), a.k.a. hanging out with people that make me laugh. =(

And though I can't recall them at the moment, I know I've had dreams lately that remind me of Nana and stuff. So, I'm definitely crying right now, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to work up a mood to really post anything else, so... sorry. =( It just reminds me of some other stuff that's going on that I can't really talk about but it makes me miss everyone back home a lot.

[EDIT] I totally f'd up those DA links the other day, but they are fixèd now. (Also did you know that accent is called a "grave accent"? I am in love the grave accent, but that is probably the syllable pedant in me [in regard to poetry at least].)

My iTunes shuffle choices hate me. I'm going to get back to crying now. ='/
mercat: (Default)
As hard as I try, I always feel like crap in the end. I don't know why it is this way... I try to be social outside my circle and I'm just left behind, left in the corner. I don't know if people are afraid of my morals, or what? I used to be able to sit alone and think for hours and never be bored. I can't do that anymore. What happened with my mind? I know part of it this year is just that it seems like there is no Christmas for me. We didn't go around to gradeschools. My house isn't decorated. We're not doing gifts. We're going to be in Hawaii. As awesome as Hawaii is, I'd rather be home. It's CHRISTMAS. Christmas is an integral part of who I am. This is my second year of no Christmas in a row-- last year my grandma died, and it was just depressing. I know all those things seem more like Giftmas than Christmas, but it's the frame of mind. All I fee right now is guilt for not supporting Heifer International or anything... I don't know. I just feel like crap.

So... I don't know, what's wrong with me? I don't expect you to answer, you can't. This is the tip of the iceberg. There's so much you'd have to know first and so much I don't want to tell. Not that I have huge dark secrets or anything, it's just THERE GOES MY PARANOIA AGAIN. I don't know. I'm so messed up. Maybe I'll get something done on vacation... I can actually take time to write in my journal.

I want a small laptop so I can type as fast as I think and get my thoughts down better. This is one of my greatest frustrations. =^n.n^=
mercat: (Default)
Homecoming is here... let's see if I survive... last nght was...interesting.
After homecoming game (can I say lamest homecoming ever? yeah. okay. I don't care anymore.[yeah, kind of pissed at drama and all, fantastic, after I had an otherwise great day, we beat fairborn but we had a drumoff with them... that was interesting]), went to Domer's with the HEIS crew to watch a movie. We watched The Rock, which, by the way, is a saweet movie. So, we were originally planning to drive all the way out to the Dayton Mall to see a dollar movie, so we carpooled and left my car at Carroll. Then we went to Domer's. Well, Mattie had to leave early because a) Domer's parents are out of town and couldn't give a damn, b) Fisher's parents didn't care, c) my parents are out of town and can't give a damn (yay!) and d) Mattie had a curfew. SO... Mattie leaves... Domer's sister falls asleep... we realize, after the movie ends (at about 1:10) that we have no ride back to Carroll. Oh boy. So we argued: take Domer's car, leave it there, I drive them back in mine? Take Domer's car, I drive home in mine, he drives home in his? What about curfew?
So, I drive their van to Carroll, with Domer getting freaked out by cop turning on his lights right as he passes us (we saw it on the way back, too- drug bust!), and Fisher and I try to convince Domer that, as long as he looks confident and goes the speed limit, he's okay, he's not going to get pulled over. So.We pull up to CHS, and there's a random Jeep-thing in the lot, with about 5 antennae, just sitting there, and someone is in the driver's seat. So. Simply because of that, we decided to "be responsible" in case it was a cop, and leave Domer's van there and I would drive them back. I did. RIGHT as we pull in, Chris' parents pull up to take him home, somewhat unexpected. Man, if we had decided for them to drive that van back, we would all be DEAD MEAT right now. So, at 2:00 AM, I drive into Xenia to pick of Laura from Pilar's (LOL) house. I call her cell, so she will wake up and wake up Savannah and say, hey, I am leaving. I call, several times. NO ANSWER. FANTASTIC. So I didn't take her home, but I picked her up this morning. And today is homecoming, and I'm sick of all the drama everywhere and I just want to go out west for a while. So, now, of course, I have that lovley Newsies song "Santa Fe" stuck in my head, and damnit, a few of the notes are too low for my range. I just...ugh. I'm hating it~'s October...and so far the fall sucks.

Like I said, I just want to go out west, to the wilderness.
mercat: (Default)
Due to the fact that many of my friends follow Xanga, I update there more than here, but often with pointless posts just adressing issues or the like. Anyway, just this once I'm going to copy my post over to this blog; it was long and important and I don't want to rewrite it, with all the issues I covered. So, here we go:
"Wow, you guys left a lot of comments lately. Haha. Aaanyway, I kind of realized I like my othe blog more than Xanga because Xanga's protected entries can only be for 10 friends if you have a free acount, and that sucks.

So. An update. Visited the gradeschools today. Tell ya what. Best part of my day was learning how to conduct 3 versus 2 (for those who don't get it, 3 on one hand, 2 on the other). Yeah, so... life is kind of teh suck right now. I mean, I'm not depressed or anything it's just that there have been a million better times in my life than what's oging on right now. Argh, Grapes of Wrath, you spite me so!

What would be really sweet (only a daydream here, folks, not actually going through with it... I have a lot of "ideas" like that) is to just run away and live out west survival style. I think I could do it. It'd be tougher at first, but I'm smart and eventually I'd settle into it and just be happy. I just want to wander around for the reat of my life, learning. I think that's what I do best. I don't necessarily need other people, I'm fairly individualistic. Oh, understatement of my life... Anyway. I just need to get away. Somehow. Problens plague me that I know I can handle, I just don't want to. I've had to deal with them a million times before and I know I'll get through but I'm ready for soemthing new.

Maybe go with Operation Courage, haha... yeah right. Anyway.


Yeah. I needed to rant. Sorry to any drumline peeps out there, I'm not really mad at you, just (a person). If you feel insulted talk to me, I'll give you a hug or advice or something (*coughadvice#1watchmeaghancough*). Anyway. Rant done. Needed to vent. I apologize again and again if you think I'm a pompous egotistical prat, but I suppose fair is fair.

Grrrrrr....just grrr...OH MY GOD TOMORROW WE'RE PLAYING BOLERO! w00t

I had some other good news somewhere but I forgot it... I'm going to write up the Diagnosis Murder Themesong tomorrow... I learned how to do a flag toss and drop spin today and might be in Winterguard if Sou decides that me being gone for WGI percussion finals would not merit me being in winter perc... Um... ugh. Just UGH. Just GAH and ARGH and FRUSTRATION and CAPTIALLETTERSZOMGANGST. I feel... restless. But it's coming out as frustration, and therefore lots of emotion and crying and ARGH.

Yeah, so I still can't remember that random good news I had. Hum. I miss some people, the perky people. There's so much DRAMA now. I wish everyone was more like... happy friendly in person and kept drama to themselves. (That includes PDA, and some other types of good drama... yeah, hold hands, hug, but not much more. Thanks.)

I think I'm going to keep typing until I come up with what I was going to say. argh, that's not going to happen. My two cats are killing eachother in the other room... just kidding. In other news, I'm going to steal Domer's cat Jazz (yay for me liking cats).

I need a good stress reducer... (or restlessness reducer? maybe it's just the moolatte I had, with choclate. talk about caffiene. Maybe that's why I'm jumpy.) other than telling people my problems... because I am always paranoid that they're going to tell someone and get them spread all over or start being stressed out themselves about my problem and more argh.

I WANT TO TRAVEL! I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING, SOMETHING BIG! I WANT TO TAKE ON A BIG PROJECT OF MY OWN... but I have all ideas and no time, and not enough people or ideas to help out *le sigh*

Why am I so stressed? What the frick happened to me? Why am I so... restless? argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, and more argh.

(Randomness: A cheetah (or leopard? whatev) can jump higher than a kangaroo.)

What's his name and his gaxillion RVs (oh...yeah, his name is Tom Raper.) is sending 200 RVs to areas affected by Katrina, full of supplies, for families to keep FOR FREE. Talk about generous! If only more HUMOUNGOUSLY RICH people did stuff like this all the time, the world owuld be such a much sweeter place! I mean... wow. That's so the shiz. (Yay! Shiz! Wicked! w00t! ...gotta get me some green opera gloves, and a black dress. Yes, strange. But I'm like that.)

Lastly, Westy, why do you have Laura's skirt... AT HOME? (Seriously, the joke was funny, but I didn't think you were actually going to take the skirt home.)

*awkward* =^n.n^="

Update: Stress level significantly down. YAY.
Uh... yeah not much happened today. More updates later. =^n.n^=

(Oh, Domer left me a note on my Xanga saying that afer I hung out with his cat for a good two hours [the DCI thing], the cat is not crazy anymore, and I am now "The Cat Whisperer." Just thought I'd share that nerdiness. Haha.)
mercat: (Default)
Heh, I just saw that Levi's ad where the guy throws rocks at the windows until he finds the cleaner lady. I really like the song in it..."I must be Love," or whatever.

So, I am 17 TODAY at 6:47 PM! I thought I should add a few songs I've been singing lately, just for laughs:

"I am 16 going on 17..." and etc. I don't really like that song except I can sing that line for now!

Then there's Newsies, which, for once, I'll post an actual entire song. I love this musical now...
"So that's what they call a family
Mother, daughter, father, son
Guess that everything you heard about is true
So you ain't got any family
Well, who said you needed one?
Ain't ya glad nobody's waitin' up for you?

When I dream
On my own
I'm alone but I ain't lonely
For a dreamer night's the only time of day
When the city's finally sleepin'
All my thoughts begin to stray
And I'm on the train that's bound for Santa Fe
And I'm free
Like the wind
Like I'm gonna live forever
It's a feeling time can never take away
All I need's a few more dollars
And I'm outta here to stay
Dreams come true
Yes, they do
In Santa Fe

Where does it say you gotta live and die here?
Where does it say a guy can't catch a break?
Why should you only take what you're given?
Why should you spend your whole life livin'
Trapped where there ain't no future
Even at seventeen
Breakin' your back for someone else's sake
If the life don't seem to suit ya
How 'bout a change of scene?
Far from the lousy headlines
And the deadlines in between

Santa Fe
Are you there?
Do you swear you won't forget me?
If I found you would you let me come and stay?
I ain't gettin' any younger
And before my dyin' day
I want space
Not just air
Let 'em laugh in my face
I don't care
Save a place
I'll be there

So that's what they call a family
Ain't ya glad you ain't that way?
Ain't ya glad you got a dream called Santa Fe?"

Yup... Lara and Katy decorated my locker... *hugs* and Lara got me a mythical beasts coloring book and a Frank Lloyd Wright coloring book, and more sharpies! *hugs more* Those were the highlights of my day, along with the H.E.I.S.

Low? Definitely all the drama that stems from homecoming and other dances... I thought maybe it's be my year, but hoo-boy. Drama level is way too high for comfort.

Anyway...we'll see how this goes. =^n.n^= Oh, man, my throat is killing me. I sang as loudly as physically possible along to Newsies as I drove home from tonight's game, which, by the way, we beat Beaverditch 34 to 14, or soemthing dismal like that. We always have, we always will.

The Void

Aug. 14th, 2005 02:31 am
mercat: (Default)
So, I've been thinking, and it seems that the Void isn't actually a void so much as a hole. I know, a stupid comparison, but here is the difference: I think I can still see the bottom, and there may be something there after all.

I don't know if that's a good thing.

I'm pretty sure (and here is the best simile I can make) that this void is a hole, because what was in the hole before has been redirected somewhere else, but I still see it there. Hopefully I can put it back where it belongs, if not, hopefully I can make it into something good in the landscape that is Me.

Obscure, but emotions are so hard to explain. =^n.n^=

Maybe I don't even WANT it back where it belongs. I need time, and I am happy to know that I have always mastered my emotions before.
mercat: (nerd HGTG)
So I just got back from seeing Batman Begins. I highly, highly recommend it.

It gave me a lot to think about on the way home, which was one of the most pleasant and best drives I've ever had; past midnight, no one on the roads, pure silence, only feeling the car, and going the speed limit feels fast enough. Those are rare times. (It's also a rare time when you're so focused you can make a metaphor of a cockroach to love, but we won't get into that. You already know I'm a private person mostly, but please don't take me for dumb. My thoughts are my thoughts and I share them as I do. They are very, ridiculously complicated, and fairly hard to reproduce.)

It also reminded me about how much I used to love bats. I could never understand why no one likes them. Just the other night when I was waiting for Chris and Domer to come and TP my house, I had my dad's high beam out with me, and I was watching the bats eating the bugs that were around. A bat came about 6 inches away from my face, and I have to say it was the coolest thing ever. They have sonar, they're not going to run into you. (Also, the one thing that bothered me in the movie: the bat hordes breaking through the glass. Uh, so much for plausibility.)

A few days ago, as those of you who read my journal know, my world took a blow. After only one day, however, even though there was a huge void, I couldn't feel it anymore. So I am going to have to rebuild something, and I don't know what it is, but I'm working on it. I know the void is there, and there is a mysteriousness that is only aided by me seeing Batman Begins, but I can't feel the void... No, that's wrong. I know there is a void, because I can't feel what I did before... the triggers don't work, there aren't any more reactions... and I don't even know what killed it, exactly.

Also, Jonathan Crane looks like Michael Jackson. Roffle.

The last thing I will share with you tonight is that the movie renewed my interest in a book I've been writing, which takes place in a city much like Gotham...


Aug. 10th, 2005 11:25 am
mercat: (mouse icon)
Well, I wrote an entry kind of explaining things last night, but apparently it got lost in cyberspace, so you'll have to talk to me to get another explanation.

At 3 in the morning, I was IMing with Jess, and crying about the issue, and planning my update, and my mom came down and said "Do you want to go to Muse tonight?" (Because it was very early this morning.) And I just started crying and told her how I was very angry at Mr. Soucek and she asked why didn't I ask him about Dan Ross and Mr. Edgar, and it's because that's the kind of thing I'm not very likely to do, that would be so... immature, I guess, to say those things.

But anyway, my mom was totally going to write a note saying I was too upset to go to practice and she was going to let me go to the Muse Machine show.

Well, then, this morning, we were tlkaing about Winter Percussion which led to talking about me not doing winter percussion because I would hopfully do drum corps... but my parents want me to work next summer instead. So next year I'm not doing drum corps because they want me to work, save money for it, and make the transition into college a little easier. Argh...and oh well.

And I asked my dad if it was okay with him if I didn't go to the drum corps show at Regal on Thursday, and he didn't care one bit (quite the opposite of what I expected... he's not like my grandma). So, I'm going to muse on Thursday, after practice, and I am a bit disappointed because I could have pulled off the not going to practice thing, which I was all ready for last night when I was crying buckets and was awash with emotional distress... but apparently 7 hours of heavy sleep (through an alarm, not my usual) can erase all sign of emotional care from you.

That or this is all the worst case of PMS I've ever seen.

=^n.n^= <---And this time, I mean it.
mercat: (Default)
I'm not going to explain it, no matter who asks me or how. But...


I think my soul died.


mercat: (Default)

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